Terror Firmer

What can I say about a critically acclaimed movie filmed on elaborate sets in exotic locations filled with stand-out performances by A-List actors? Well, I can start by saying that isn’t the kind of film I’m here to talk about today. Terror Firmer is Lloyd Kauffman and Troma, Inc. at their schlocky best. It is a film that will push every boundary that you have and leave you asking for more. It has everything a "B" movie fan could hope for in spades. Violence, full frontal nudity (male and female), gore, intentionally bad editing, pickles used as sex toys, more vomit than a Miss Bulimia USA pageant, poop eating, fat people, lesbians, and a life-affirming rape scene. I mean, before the beginning credits are over, a hot serial killer tears off someone’s leg and beats him to death with it. Then she proceeds to tear a fetus from an expecting mother’s stomach with her bare hands. The movie is relentlessly offensive and shockingly funny. I’m no psychologist, but I would be willing to wager a bet that if you are not offended while watching this movie then there is something very, very wrong with you.

The plot of the film follows the Troma cast and crew while filming on the set of Citizen Toxie, a sequel to the brilliant cult classic The Toxic Avenger. The ragtag group of miscreants on that makes up the crew is plagued by repeated assaults from a faceless killer and horrendously unfortunate accidents. All the while the blind director (yes, blind), Larry (played by Lloyd Kauffman himself), tries to keep his production on track through a series of horrible motivational speeches peppered with the threat of his eventual suicide if things don’t get better…and they most certainly do not get better. The film has cameo appearances by Lemmy of Motorhead, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Ron Jeremy, who has his tongue cut out and is forced to eat his own pickled penis…brilliant. Terror Firmer is Troma Stidios unapologetically satirizing itself and masterfully doing so.

Lloyd Kaufman started Troma Studios in the early 70’s which makes it the longest running independent film studio surviving today. His first film was a 15 minute movie of a pig getting slaughtered in Chad, Africa. After unleashing it on his friends and family, he saw the power that shocking your audience can have. Staying true to form for over 30 years, the studio has managed to stay afloat on the backs of amazing “B” movies such as Bloodsucking Freaks, Cannibal! The Musical, Surf Nazis Must Die, and Tromeo and Juliet. They host an annual film festival in Park City, Utah that is billed as a direct competitor to the Sundance Film Festival called the Tromadance Film Festival (which I hope to attend someday). Terror Firmer is undoubtedly one of the crown jewels in the studio’s long and storied history.

I look at this film a lot like LSD: it’s not something that I would recommend for just anyone, and if you think you are ready you are definitely not. I certainly wasn’t. It isn’t a date movie, unless your date is blind and deaf or inflatable. If you think you can make it through 114 minutes of genital stretching, head crushing, fart igniting, ventriloquist dummy crucifying irreverent humor and insanity then this is the perfect movie for you, you sick bastard. Terror Firmer will crawl under your flesh and make you laugh out loud seconds after you swallow your own vomit. Uncle Lloydie and the Troma team haven’t just raised the bar with this film. They have covered it in feces and set it on fire, setting a mark that I doubt any other film company will dare to attempt to surpass, but I would love to see them try.