Cash in Your 401K

Since Thursday was Thanksgiving and Friday was the official kick-off to the sickening holiday shopping season, I thought that I’d put together a shopping list for the people that don’t know what to do with their money. I should be honest with you and tell you right up front that I disagree entirely with the way the holidays have become this huge consumer feeding frenzy. People work all year so that they can save up enough money to buy some useless crap that they don’t need, but they feel like they need it since the marketing geniuses have been pushing their buttons all year. Do you sit in your trailer wearing sweats all day eating salty garbage, smoking and drinking corn syrup with caramel coloring? Well, my friend, you need a 42” plasma HDTV, then don’t you? Of course you do. Just put it on layaway. What’s another bill collector anyway? Worse yet are the folks that buy gifts for everyone, but are constantly stressed that they didn’t get enough. The fact that people actually believe that they need to buy all of this stuff in order to make people happy drives me batty. I don’t understand why we can’t take a step back and take a look at the season as it is now. Repeated trips to Hell on Earth (read: the mall) and stress about the perfect gift are not what the holidays are about…I should say that’s not what the holidays should be about. This time of year should be about spending time with the fam and promoting good will towards man. The spirit of giving isn’t the same as the spirit of getting. Volunteering at the soup kitchen or donating a truck load of your extra stuff to families that truly have nothing should be what we do instead of walking the endless aisles of Hell-Mart looking for the red Power Ranger with the spinning LEDs on his wrist. God forbid you only get the blue one. [/rant]

Anyway, since many of you will decide to engage in the above stated nonsense with the economy in the condition that it is right now your money may not go as far as you would like. Most people that I talk to that have money invested in their retirement have been watching with considerable agony as their hard-earned cash gets pissed down the drain by bullshit reactionary stockbrokers. So here’s a short list of the items that you can buy for the holidays if you were to cash in your 401K tomorrow, and you don't need to trample anyone to death to get any of the items on the list:

1. A can of mystery food that is missing the label (Partially dented).
2. A leaf.
3. A nude picture of Ernest Borgnine.
4. Half of a pack of chewing gum (Lightly chewed).
5. Creed’s Greatest Hits (Volume 1 and 2).
6. A satellite phone company.
7. One fuzzy toilet seat cover (With only minor staining and odor).
8. A used ashtray.
9. A desktop computer (Commodore VIC20).
10. One hand job (Hey, not everything on the list has to suck).
11. An 8-cylinder SUV.
12. A bag of hair.
13. Front row seats to a Gun’s-n-Roses concert.
14. One Jack-O-Lantern (Has soup-like consistency, more of a Jack-O-Mess really).
15. Pocket lint (Pre-owned).
16. 11 Legos (It just works out that way).
17. Three unidentifiable roadkill carcasses.
18. My soul (Gently used).
19. Carpet stains (Must remove yourself).
20. GM.
21. 19 pairs of used men’s underwear with minor cigarette burns and blood stains (Like New!).
22. The Neverending Story DVD Box Set.
23. A ghost in a bottle (Honest, it’s in there).
24. A placebo.
25. 100,000 McCain / Palin yard signs (Thank god).

If you would like to purchase any of the above items just sign your 10-year ARM over to me, and I’m sure we can work something out. If you want to add anything to the list just post a comment...free of charge. Thanks.