Popcorn (1991)

As part of my continual quest to find the perfect horror movie I stumbled across Popcorn (1991) a while back while flipping through titles such as The Beast Within, The Mangler, and Cannibal Holocaust. It has a pretty impressive cast loaded with veteran genre stand-outs like Jill Schoelen (Cutting Class, Curse II, The Stepfather), Dee Wallace (Cujo, The Howling, The Hills Have Eyes) and Kelly Jo Minter (Nightmare on Elm Street), and, like most decent slasher films, it has a great back story: insane filmmaker Lanyard Gates in an act of defiance against his detractors creates a movie with a live ending that includes the slaughtering of his entire family on stage which ultimately ends in the theater burning to the ground killing everyone inside. Brilliant! So I thought that I’d plunk myself down for a nice evening of gratuitous nudity, gore and off-color humor that the movie seems to have promised. Let me interrupt for a second to say that popcorn as a food is horrible. It is bland, smells awful, and gets stuck in your teeth (if you’re lucky enough to still have teeth after gnashing them down on a petrified un-popped kernel). Totally useless and annoying. Unfortunately, Popcorn (the movie) lives up to its name.

The plot of the movie is great. A group of theater students need to raise money to keep their department afloat. So what brilliant fund-raising scheme do they come up with? Auctioning off props from old productions? Selling celebrity autographs? Bake sale? Prostitution? Nope. How about restoring a burnt-out theater for an all night horror movie marathon? Oh yeah! I can see the bodies piling up already. O.K., maybe the plot doesn’t make too much sense since the theater restoration would undoubtedly cost more than the ticket sales for a one-night horrorfest, but this is supposed to be a horror film not Good Will Hunting after all. It turns out that this horror movie marathon is possibly the only good decision that the producers of Popcorn actually made. The movies that are featured are an homage to a bygone era of moviemaking. Creature-features like “Mosquito”, “The Stench (filmed in Smell-o-vision)”, and “Attack of the Amazing Electrified Man” are all throwbacks to the 50’s era films made by William Castle such as Macabre, The Tingler, and 13 Ghosts, and are absolutely the types of shows that are only likely to be seen today on Mystery Science Theater 3000, Son of Svengoolie or Joe Bob Briggs reruns. The coeds attempt to recreate the same gimmicky movie-going experience complete with electrified seats, nurses giving fake injections to out of control patrons, gag-inducing smell-o-vision, and a giant remote control mosquito that hovers menacingly over the audience.

The movie has a distinctly 80’s low-budget slasher flick feel complete with bad editing, grainy filming and plot discontinuities. It has all of the ingredients that it needs to slip delightfully into being a great exploitation flick, but sadly for some reason it never reaches that desired grindhouse status. Admittedly, the production of the film was fraught with problems including switching directors and lead actors midway through filming. But every fourth-grade fan of the genre knows how to solve any problem with production of a horror film: more nudity and more gore, bitches! If you pile on the dismembered corpses and nude coeds and pepper in some distasteful jokes all will be forgiven. Sadly, the makers of this film must not have gotten that memo. As it stands, I seriously doubt that Popcorn even warrants an “R” rating.

However, somehow almost inexplicably the movie is still watch-able, which I attribute to the way the cast, directors, producers…well, anyone involved in the film, really… seems to not take themselves too seriously. I mean, the villain is played by the sincerely goofy Tom Villard (One Crazy Summer), and the best piece of acting in the whole film is from a one-minute cameo appearance by Ray Walston (Mr. Hand in Fast Times at Ridgemont High). Popcorn also has probably the worst closing scene to a horror movie ever, which is saying something. Plus, there is a montage in the middle of the film as the students restore the theater, and you can never go wrong with a montage. Can you? Anyway, the saving grace of the whole picture is the hat-tip the horror films of the 50’s which (even though they distract the viewer from the plot) take on a persona of their own and act as their own character in the film. Also, the near total lack of gore, sex and suspense make Popcorn probably the only slasher movie in history one can watch with the whole family, but I highly doubt the uninitiated will have the patience to sit through the entire thing.

The Host

A couple of weeks ago I was sitting around the house alone on a Friday night with nothing to do. So, naturally, like everyone else in that situation I thought it would be a good idea to catch up on my South Korean monster movie watching. I’ve been sorely neglecting it lately. Haven’t you? Now, I know what you’re thinking. Who has the time? Right? No?!? Just me again? Cripes, I’m beginning to think I’m the only weirdo left in the world. Well, in order to represent my waning demographic I sat down and watched “The Host.” Critically acclaimed at the Cannes International Film Festival in 2006, The Host is the third feature film directed by Bong Joon-ho, and is a brilliant genre-stretching work that has no fear of testing the long-held traditions of scores of creature-features that came before it. Not knowing what to expect going in, I was pleasantly surprised by The Host which is made up of equal parts drama, slapstick comedy, political melodrama, action, and, of course, monster movie mayhem.

Like so many sci-fi movies before it, the creature in The Host is the product of human carelessness with toxic and hazardous chemicals. The beast is born from the Han River when a mortician at the Yongsan U.S. Army base in Seoul orders his lackey to pour bottles of dirty formaldehyde down the drain. This scene is based in on an actual incident that occurred in 2000. Albert McFarland, an American mortician at Yongsan ordered his staff to pour 50 gallons of formaldehyde down the drain. Although the chemicals passed through two treatment plants before reaching the Han, source of Seoul's drinking water, the scandal sparked an anti-American uproar in South Korea. It is unknown weather or not any giant, amphibious behemoths have mutated from the irresponsible actions of Mr. McFarland. However, just like “Them”, “Tarantula”, “Frankenstein Conquers the World”, and so many more before, Bong Joon-ho’s account shows that the irresponsibility of mans’ actions do carry consequences. When will we ever learn? Check out the TopTen Movie Monsters of All Time here.

The action in the movie revolves around the uber-dysfunctional Park family. The elderly father owns and operates a snack bar on the banks of the Han. His son, Gang-du, who works at the stand is apparently so incompetent and lazy that he is unaffected by removal of part of his brain later in the film. His younger brother is a hopeless drunk, and their sister is (improbably) a nationally acclaimed archery medalist. Gang-du has a young daughter, Hyun-seo, who is the apple of everyone’s eye and perpetually disappointed in her idiotic father. As the movie opens Gang-du joins a crowd of onlookers that have noticed something hanging from the underside of the Han River Bridge. In a shocking turn of events the onlookers become a terrified screaming horde as the monster drops from the bridge then dexterously leaps out of the water onto land and tears a swath through the crowd in one of the best fleeing in horror scenes of any monster movie that I can recall. As the creature reenters the water it grabs sweet little Hyun-seo and carries her off to its lair, setting in motion a series of events leading to an international political incident.

Here is where Bong Joon-ho breaks with tradition. In most creature features the monster is kept out of sight as long as possible as the suspense builds in the audience and the imagination of moviegoers takes hold. Speilberg does this in “Jaws” brilliantly.Additionally , a second reason for keeping the monster out of sight until the film’s climax is because, honestly, most movie monsters look like crap. They are either appear to be poorly made Muppets spun up on crystal meth or are obviously computer generated and seem to have been cut out with scissors and glued into each frame of the film. This is not the case with the creature in The Host. The state-of-the-art special effects courtesy of a creative partnership between Weta Workshop (King Kong, The Lord of the Rings) and The Orphanage (Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, Sin City) create a living, breathing animal that is as real as the scrambling mass of people that it consumes. It makes the dinosaurs in Jurassic park look like the claymation dinosaur family on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse. Besides the fact that the creature looks like a massive salamander/catfish/frog hybrid with gloriously hideous a vagina denta mouth, the beast is made creepier not by only its speed and agility, but also by its sometimes awkwardness of movement and perfect scale which make it seem even more realistic. By shifting the audience’s distraction at guessing what the monster will look like since Bong places the monster right in front of them, this frees the director up to focus attention on the characters and storytelling instead of the train wreck that monster movies usually become. So, in a break from tradition The Host brings the creature front and center immediately and does so flawlessly.

Sticking true to the genre, as part of an American-backed disinformation campaign the South Korean government announces that the beast apparently is the host of an unidentified virus so anyone that came into contact with it must be quarantined. Some my say this political subplot is just a distraction, but I challenge anyone to find a monster movie that doesn’t have a political understory. Having feared the worst, Gang-du receives a phone call from his daughter who is frightened, but very much alive in the monster's lair. Gang-du makes plans to infiltrate the quarantined area with the rest of the Park family to rescue his daughter from the clutches of the horrifying Host. Along the way the Parks are drawn closer together as they battle not only the amphibious, mutant beast, but also scores incompetent government conspirators and, in the end, an American chemical weapon called "Agent Yellow."

The Host is a surprising treasure in a genre that is as old as film itself. It swings sometimes violently from being an action film to a comedy to a tear-jerking drama, but it does so in a memorable fashion that doesn’t seem forced or constrained by the label of “creature feature.” Without being a spoiler I will say that the ending is very gloomy, surprising, and depressing. Definitely not your typical Hollywood ending, which I count as another star on the lapel for director Bong Joon-ho. All in all, The Host was an unexpectedly well-done gem that is worth the watch if you don’t mind somewhat obscure, South Korean monster movies with subtitles or voice-overs.

Hatchet

Billed as a return to “Old School American Horror” Hatchet (directed by Adam Green) adeptly manages to recapture the essence of the slasher genre and splash it up on the big screen with a welcome mixture of humor, gratuitous nudity and gore. This is definitely not the modern Scream-style clean horror film that is cast with the actors from “Dawson’s Creek” or “The O.C.” Although it was released in 2006, it has the appearance of the direct-to-VHS horror films of a bygone era, and in an obvious nod to its predecessors and to the icons of the trade the movie has cameo appearances from Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and Tony Todd (Candyman). Even Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees, Leatherface) plays double duty as both the father of Victor Crowley and the indestructible Victor Crowley himself, a grotesquely deformed oversized madman that survived being hit in the face with a hatchet by his father in a failed attempt to save him from a burning shack, in this brilliant throwback to the ‘80’s.

The movie opens as two unfortunate alligator poachers are unceremoniously dismembered by some unseen bad guy in the deep recesses of an uncharted Louisiana swamp. Meanwhile, the real story begins in New Orleans during Mardi Gras when a group of friends make a misguided attempt at cheering up our would-be hero, Ben (played by comedian Joel Moore), who has just broken up with his long-time girlfriend. Boobs and booze fix everything. Right, fellas? Especially boobs. However, rather than be constantly reminded of his lost lass’ honkers, Ben talks his friend Marcus (Deon Richmond, “Bud” from the Cosby Show) into going on a grabasstically disorganized boat tour of the local haunted swamps. Of course this lands them squarely into the middle of our boogeyman’s turf when the boat inevitably runs aground. The other unfortunate members of the tour include the expected laundry list of mismatched personalities, including a scam artist, his two hot dupes, a Midwestern couple, and a woman on a vendetta. Soon the one liners and entrails start to fly as Crowley hacks up our unfortunate crew in a multitude of creative ways. The gas-powered belt sander to the face is a particular delight.

The hilarious dialog and John Carl Buechler's outrageously gross special effects are a welcome change from the torture-porn films like Hostel, Saw, and Captivity that have been the rage lately. We’ve definitely been taking our horror movies too seriously in the past few years. The casting of a comedian as the protagonist and relying on the talents of Joel Murray (One Crazy Summer) as our scam-artist, Shapiro, definitely lightens the mood even as the body count rises and the amputated limbs pile up. Although Hatchet is not in the same class as Friday the 13th, Halloween, or Nightmare on Elm Street it definitely pays tribute to them without stepping on their toes. In the tradition of the indestructible antagonists of the past like Jason, Michael, Freddie, and John Kirby (Silent Rage…you didn’t expect that I forgot about Silent Rage, did you?) Victor Crowley does them all justice in the end. Hatchet is a welcome throw back to the low-budget slasher gore fests of the 1980’s, and I definitely look forward to Adam Green’s next attempt. Hopefully it will start a slow movement back to the grainy irreverent films that we’ve grown to love and desperately miss.

Terror Firmer

What can I say about a critically acclaimed movie filmed on elaborate sets in exotic locations filled with stand-out performances by A-List actors? Well, I can start by saying that isn’t the kind of film I’m here to talk about today. Terror Firmer is Lloyd Kauffman and Troma, Inc. at their schlocky best. It is a film that will push every boundary that you have and leave you asking for more. It has everything a "B" movie fan could hope for in spades. Violence, full frontal nudity (male and female), gore, intentionally bad editing, pickles used as sex toys, more vomit than a Miss Bulimia USA pageant, poop eating, fat people, lesbians, and a life-affirming rape scene. I mean, before the beginning credits are over, a hot serial killer tears off someone’s leg and beats him to death with it. Then she proceeds to tear a fetus from an expecting mother’s stomach with her bare hands. The movie is relentlessly offensive and shockingly funny. I’m no psychologist, but I would be willing to wager a bet that if you are not offended while watching this movie then there is something very, very wrong with you.

The plot of the film follows the Troma cast and crew while filming on the set of Citizen Toxie, a sequel to the brilliant cult classic The Toxic Avenger. The ragtag group of miscreants on that makes up the crew is plagued by repeated assaults from a faceless killer and horrendously unfortunate accidents. All the while the blind director (yes, blind), Larry (played by Lloyd Kauffman himself), tries to keep his production on track through a series of horrible motivational speeches peppered with the threat of his eventual suicide if things don’t get better…and they most certainly do not get better. The film has cameo appearances by Lemmy of Motorhead, Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Ron Jeremy, who has his tongue cut out and is forced to eat his own pickled penis…brilliant. Terror Firmer is Troma Stidios unapologetically satirizing itself and masterfully doing so.

Lloyd Kaufman started Troma Studios in the early 70’s which makes it the longest running independent film studio surviving today. His first film was a 15 minute movie of a pig getting slaughtered in Chad, Africa. After unleashing it on his friends and family, he saw the power that shocking your audience can have. Staying true to form for over 30 years, the studio has managed to stay afloat on the backs of amazing “B” movies such as Bloodsucking Freaks, Cannibal! The Musical, Surf Nazis Must Die, and Tromeo and Juliet. They host an annual film festival in Park City, Utah that is billed as a direct competitor to the Sundance Film Festival called the Tromadance Film Festival (which I hope to attend someday). Terror Firmer is undoubtedly one of the crown jewels in the studio’s long and storied history.

I look at this film a lot like LSD: it’s not something that I would recommend for just anyone, and if you think you are ready you are definitely not. I certainly wasn’t. It isn’t a date movie, unless your date is blind and deaf or inflatable. If you think you can make it through 114 minutes of genital stretching, head crushing, fart igniting, ventriloquist dummy crucifying irreverent humor and insanity then this is the perfect movie for you, you sick bastard. Terror Firmer will crawl under your flesh and make you laugh out loud seconds after you swallow your own vomit. Uncle Lloydie and the Troma team haven’t just raised the bar with this film. They have covered it in feces and set it on fire, setting a mark that I doubt any other film company will dare to attempt to surpass, but I would love to see them try.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter

For those of you who, like me, love bad movies in all of their awful glory I’ve got four words for you: Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter. Holy shit, I have not seen a movie as bad as this since leg warmers and parachute pants were in. This brilliant cinematic masterpiece makes Student Bodies look like The Godfather. It is awesome! With a star-void cast of tens and special effects that can only be described as “low budget” the brilliance of this film has not been matched since Weasels Rip My Flesh (or anything starring Jennifer Aniston) has graced the silver screen. I mean how can you go wrong when the premise of the movie is that the son of God must save the lesbians of Ottawa, Canada from certain death by exsanguination by righteously kicking evil vampire ass. There is even a dance number. Yes, that’s right, a dance number. Oh, and did I mention that the Messiah is aided by a 300lb. Mexican masked wrestler (El Santo) who has a pilot’s license? Oh, yeah. The brilliance of the plot is only matched by the horrible editing. If all of the unnecessary zooms, pans and shots of people walking from one place to another were cut out the movie would only be 15 minutes long. This is an absolute must-see for any true fan of crappy movies. Truly, truly brilliant.

I’m glad I stumbled across it on Netflix the other day, because it has rekindled the fire inside me for truly horrible cinema. I think it is important the we make a distinction between bad B movies and bad mainstream movies. There is a huge difference between a movie that was intended to be viewed by a fringe audience and a movie that just falls flat on its face right out of the gate. For example, I know when I sit down to watch Poultrygeist: Night of the Chicken Dead that I’m in for an hour and 43 minutes of nonsensical zombie chicken cinematic mastery. But if I pay $8 to see a movie like A.I. or anything with Kevin Costner in it and I realize halfway through it that my eyes are bleeding because I’ve tried to gouge them out with a Twizzler, I get seriously torqued off. There is a real difference between intentionally bad and accidentally bad movies.

Watching these intentionally bad movies has been a hobby of mine since I first embraced my insomnia in middle school many, many, MANY years ago. It’s like watching a slow crash or seeing a poorly crafted raft set sail. You know it’s going to be a stinker, but the beauty is that so do the filmmakers so there is nothing that is off limits. There are no cinematic or societal taboos. No logic or necessity to adhere to anything resembling reality. Want to make a movie about murderous produce? Go right ahead. Think the plot of your movie should involve an evil cartoon character that terrorizes scantily clad coeds. Of course you do. Why not throw in a couple of huge radioactive insects? All the better. Gratuitous nudity is absolutely mandatory, and a couple of gallons of fake blood paint the path to theatrical bliss.

The movies that I love are very simple to spot. They usually have pictures of people running from something on the cover. If the cover is also holographic then you know it’s going to be a doozie. Anything with "Blood", "Gore", "Camp" or "Sorority" in the title is bound to be on the list. Also, if you have no idea what the plot of the movie is based on careful examination of the cover, it has to be good. If you can tell that the props are obviously made out of ordinary household objects then I’ve probably seen it once or twice. The ones that are serious gems are the films that have stars in them before they made it mainstream, and they aren’t listed in their filmography anymore. It’s a sure tip off if my wife walks by and says “Oh dear God! Is there something wrong with you?” Of course there is, Honey. Of course there is.

So I encourage everyone to put the kids to bed, nuke some popcorn, turn out the lights, sink back into the couch and enjoy a screen gem like Army of Darkness, Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfolds, Meet the Feebles, or Dark Star. Just don’t be surprised if the lady at the video store looks at you differently from now on…