Sunday, September 12, 2010

The Third Annual Misanthrope's List

Well, folks, here we are again. Another year has passed and a fair number of you have managed to piss me off in some way or another. So here it is – The Third Annual Misanthrope’s List. Take a gander and see where you land. If you’ve managed to make it on the list more than five times then I’m probably either married to you, divorced from you or want to kill you. Either way it’s the annoying things in life that make you feel alive, right? Enjoy!

  1. The whole “your” / “you’re” mess. Why is it so hard for people to figure this one out? When people send me a message that says, “Your a dick!” I think, “My a dick? What does that even mean?” You’re is short for “you are.” Your is not. Smarten up.
  2. Pictures of lottery winners. Nobody, and I mean nobody, cares that Jim Bob and Ethel Mae just won $35 million. And I certainly don’t need to see photos of these morons in their native habitat.
  3. People that have almost quit smoking. Oh, Good Christ! Why do I care that you failed at doing something six months ago? If you don’t have anything better to talk about then stuff a couple more of those things in your face so I don’t have to listen to you whine about your bullshite addiction.
  4. People with corn teeth. Hey, Barnaby. Grab a toothbrush every now and then and scrub your glassies, Mate. Either that, or yank those fuckers out so I don’t have to stare at your mouth while you talk.
  5. The words “ginormous” and “redonculous.” They were funny the first time, but so were parachute pants. You don’t see me still wearing those, do ya? If either of these words shows up in the dictionary, I’m going to start speaking solely in Aramaic.
  6. When there is a really short car in a parking spot. Driving around a parking lot for ten minutes looking for an empty spot is bad enough. Then just when I think I’ve caught a glimpse of relief and start to turn into a space some hippy has their escape pod hidden between all of the SUVs. Balls!
  7. Whatever that airport smell is. Nobody can tell me what exactly that smell is, but I think it’s the perfect combination of jet exhaust, crappy terminal food and sweaty tourists that binds to the Piss-Me-Off receptors in my nose.
  8. Speaking of airports…the TSA. Also, affectionately known as the Take Shit Away people. Does anyone honestly believe that these “security” personnel are keeping the world safe by taking nail clippers from 80 year-old grandmothers and prohibiting bringing leftover soup on the plane because it may be explosive? What the? Totally useless and completely wasteful.
  9. That little pocket at the bottom of a normal sized pants pocket. What sadistic tailor thinks this is a useful addition to menswear? The only thing this irritating piece of fabric is good for is trapping my keys so I cannot extract them from my pocket without tearing a hole in my pants. Annoying.
  10. People that put the new toilet paper roll on top of the holder instead of actually replacing it. Seriously, it takes four seconds to put the thing on the holder properly. (Yes, I timed it.) What’s the thought process here? “Four seconds!?! Who has time for that? I’ve got to be to work in two seconds!” Come on…
  11. Big guys named Tiny. This is really creative, people. Why not just quit dancing around the issue and call them F@cking Lard Ass? Unless tiny refers to some other part of their anatomy, of course.
  12. Facebook applications, games, quizzes, etc. Ditto fans of anything. Let’s get this straight right now. Nobody wants to help you find your lost virtual puppy or help you build a fekking fence on your goddamn fake farm, and who the Hell cares if you are a fan of Chinese food?!? Knock this shit off immediately.
  13. People with a chronic toothpaste-on-the-face problem. Hey, Slob. Why bother scraping the slime off of your grill to make yourself presentable in the morning if you aren’t going to follow it up by wiping the drool off of your chin. God, I hope that’s drool.
  14. Accidentally tearing off scabs. I’ll tell you a secret: I’m a picker. I love picking scabs, especially my own. So when I forget that I recently had a junk show on my bike resulting in me losing 45% of the skin from my legs then I jump nonchalantly into my pants the next morning peeling away a scab the size of a dinner plate I cry a little bit inside…and a lot outside.
  15. A whole nother. Alright, Lenny. “Another” is a single word. It isn’t “a nother.” What the Hell is a “nother” supposed to be anyway? Can you have a pile of them? They apparently come in fractions since a whole one is a big deal.
  16. Trying to mouse-select multiple paragraphs of a Word document that spans several pages without scrolling all over the place. Zoom! Too far up. Zoom! Too far down. Zoom! Nope, too far up again. Zoom! Down…irritating. Yeah, I’m a nerd. Get over it.
  17. Bad apples. I try to eat an apple a day just like the doctor ordered. However, when I bite into an apple and instead of a crisp sour-sweet crunch of joy I get a mouthful soppy brown mash I want to kick that doctor in the nether regions.
  18. Misspellings on Craigslist. I could be wrong, but I don’t think anybody is going to respond to your add for a “Free Hot Tube.” Sounds dirty and maybe a little creepy. Reread your shit, Jerky.
  19. People that mouth out what you are saying to them as you are speaking. Hey, Weirdass. Turn the other way when I’m talking to you if you can’t get your neuroses under control. You’re creeping me out.
  20. Biblical language. Jesus is the light and the way! I have absolutely no idea what that means. Nobody does. Creating sentences by randomly omitting words and shoehorning your favorite imaginary friend into the subject doesn’t make you sound pious or religious. It makes you sound ignorant and foolish. Mission accomplished, I guess.
  21. Dealing with insurance companies. Everybody involved knows this transaction is going to suck worse than doing squat thrusts in a cucumber patch, so can we just skip to the part where you lie to me and I make disparaging remarks about your choice of vocation, arsehole?
  22. When people say “really?” or “seriously?” with an incredulous inflection. How and when did this catch on? I wish it would catch off…soon.
  23. People that say tuna fish. As in, “I’ll have the tuna fish sandwich.” Well, I hope it’s a tuna fish sandwich. A tuna pig sandwich would be disturbing. Just saying “tuna” will suffice, thanks.
  24. Dream catchers in cars. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think you should be sleeping while you are driving. Just an observation.
  25. The phrase “…at the end of the day.” As in: “At the end of the day all that matters it that you’re happy.” Well, what about at the beginning of the day? How about right effing now? Why do I have to wait?
  26. Pointless physical exercise. Don’t get me wrong. I love being active: hiking, skiing, sports, etc. However, exercising solely for the point of exercising (like jogging, push-ups, and sit-ups) is utter bollocks. There was a time in my life when I enjoyed this crap, but happily I’m over it.
  27. When I’m sitting at someone else’s desk and some other jerk wanders by and says: “Whoa, Sarah! You’ve really changed.” Ha! Hahahahahaha! Hooo! Heh heh. Heeeeeee! Oh, that’s a good one! Now, come a little closer so I can break your nose, Smartguy.
  28. When I'm standing at the urinal or toilet and I feel like I might be having that dream. You know that dream. The one where you’re taking a 12-minute beer piss in your dream only to realize that you are in fact taking a 12-minute beer piss all over your significant other in bed. No sir, I don’t like it.
  29. Eeeeelegal. It’s pronounced just like it is spelled. il-LEE-guhl. It’s not that hard.
  30. When I blow up a massive inflatable pool and then the kids don’t want to use it. Alright, you little Hellspawn. I just passed out six times, had an aneurysm and lost an hour and a half of my life blowing this thing up. Now get in there and have fun before I tear your lips off!
  31. When people break apart their food to eat it. Over the course of millions of years we have evolved very specific implements to deal with breaking food into manageable pieces for consumption. They are called teeth. Breaking your muffin apart with your hands doesn’t make you look dainty or proper. It just makes a mess. Quit it.
  32. Talk about the weather. I can do without this crappy social grooming exercise. If you are that socially awkward why don’t you just pick the bugs out of my back hair and eat them like a normal primate?
  33. When companies advertise that you can "Save up to 20% or more!!" Sweet! So basically you're telling me that I can save anywhere between zero and 100%. Thank you for alerting me of my mathematically potential savings, Kepler.
  34. Women that ask you to hold all of their shit when they go to a public bathroom. Hey, ladies, you have something men don’t have when we go to the bathroom – A LAP! Set all of your garbage there, will ya?
  35. People that say, “Life is short.” Well, geologically, yes, life is short, but so far it’s the longest thing I’ve ever done.
  36. Legally drunk. Look, Officer, if I’m legally drunk then why don’t you f@ck right off? Come back when I’m illegally drunk. Now pour me back into my car.
  37. People that are “more than happy” to do something. Is this even possible? I think the American Psychiatric Association has a place for people that are more than happy.
  38. When someone’s B.O. smells like food. Sometimes people have body odor that smells so bad that it seems like they are storing an Italian beef sandwich in their armpits. What are they using for deodorant? French onion soup mix?
  39. Crazy as a zoo. “It’s like a zoo in there!” Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t all of the animals in a zoo caged and sedated? That doesn’t seem too crazy to me. I might want to go to the zoo more often if the animals were in fact all running around helter skelter terrorizing people.
  40. Road rash. Few things in life suck as much as the puss-oozing, linen adhesive raspberry covering your whole hip that you get from sliding into third base, bicycle carnage, or rookie break-dancing mishaps.
  41. Witty banter. “Hey, Dan. Are you working hard or hardly working?” Listen, Bud. I’m perfectly comfortable standing here in silence, so if you don’t have anything to talk about why don’t you just shut your yapper.
  42. People that don’t know where their car fits. Hey, Lady! It shouldn’t take a 97-point turn in order to get your minivan into a parking spot. Practice at home before you venture out into the world and ruin my day.
  43. Smokers that hold their cigarettes outside of their car windows. Psst. Come here for a second, Mac. I’ll let you in on a secret. You still smell like an ashtray! And the 18 pine tree air fresheners aren’t hiding anything either. Roll it up and inhale, Jerky.
  44. Weird pets. Why in the wild, wild world of sports do people have ferrets, sugar gliders, and dangerous effing lizards running around their house? And cats?!? Don’t get me started on cats. What, other than a horrendous odor and an exotic disease, are they getting out of these things?
  45. When the waiter asks if I’ve ever eaten here before. Um, no, but I’m pretty sure I can figure this one out without advanced instruction. I’m guessing that I choose an item form this piece of paper, let you know what my selection is, and you screw it up. Am I close?
  46. People that can’t hear but get mad when you talk louder. What did you say? “…” Sorry? “…” Nope, still didn’t get it. “!!!” Well, you don’t have to yell! Grrrr…
  47. Anyone who doesn’t like The Godfather. If you don’t like the best movie ever made then you suck, and I hate you.
  48. Wedding invitations. Come on, girls. Why, dear God, why do wedding invitations have to come with 23 layers of leaves and tissue paper? It’s boring, overdone, trite, kitschy and agitating. The ones that spill glitter and confetti all over Hell’s creation really torque me off, too.
  49. Anyone that gets offended by humor. Lighten up, Sister Mary. It’s just a joke, and it’s supposed to be shocking and off kilter. That’s why it’s funny. Get over yourself or go die a protracted, humorless death in silence if you don’t like it.
  50. Whoever thought up the annoying “Got Milk?” ads. Let’s just ignore the obvious homoerotic undertones of smearing an artificial cumshot on professional athletes’ mustaches. That’s bad enough, but now I have to deal with less creative fekkers who copy this BS and twist it for their needs. Got Jesus? Got Cash? Got Whateverthefuck?
  51. People that walk backwards on elliptical machines. What exactly does this accomplish? You don’t see anyone doing this on treadmills or stationary bikes, do ya? The miles don’t come off if you walk backwards, plus watching people do this makes me feel like I’m in a crappy Enigma video.
  52. Guys that keep change in their wallets. Something is just weird about it, OK? Besides, I don’t like carrying change in general. It makes it harder to lie to homeless people.
  53. Neon signs or lighted business signs that have lights burned out. It really looks like garbage. What’s the problem here? Business owners can’t pay Manny or their retarded brother three dollars to get on a ladder and screw in a bulb? Driving by the HOTel cORAL esSEX is funny, I admit.
  54. Roadside memorials. I don’t mean to be totally insensitive, but what is that purpose of putting a cross at the bottom of an irrigation ditch? If someone dies in the bathroom of their shitty apartment you don’t barge in on the new renters every year and chuck flowers in at them while they are dropping the deuce, do you? OK, maybe I’m being a little insensitive.
  55. Those stupid oval Euro bumper stickers. This is easily the worst European export since smallpox. If I have to try to figure out what “OB” or “HH” stands for while I’m behind you at a stoplight I may just get bored, slam it into 4WD and run over your dumb arse.
  56. Guys that use the trap door. I don’t know about you, but I have better things to do than fiddle with buttons on my underwear when I have to go to the bathroom. In fact I’ve started following my son’s lead on this one. Now when I’m standing at the urinal I drop my drawers all the way down to my ankles and make awkward conversation with people around me. “I think I have to poop, too!”
  57. Andrew Dice Clay. Comedy generally involves jokes with punch lines and audience laughter. Listening to some Jersey turnpike juicebag with Tourette’s syndrome attempt to string a line of offensive language together for no reason is agitating.
  58. When you go to pick up one thing and something totally different magically ends up in your hand. Ever reach for your car keys, but by the time you get to the car you realize that the keys have somehow transformed into a ballpoint pen? How does that happen?
  59. People that are against the death penalty. This one definitely warrants its own topic, but I can sum it up quickly. The death penalty isn’t supposed to be a deterrent. It is a penalty. If commit crime A then we may kill you. It’s a simple concept unless you want to mollycoddle some useless incorrigible cunts in prison forever.
  60. Nylon head condoms. You usually find these on gentlemen of a particular ethnic category. It always looks like they are either squeezing their brains out or holding them in because of some traumatic head injury. Either way they look absolutely stupid, but I’m not telling them that.
  61. When a wad of garbage flies out of my mouth in the middle of a conversation. It’s just awkward for everyone involved. Not only did I just hork a wad of unknown detritus onto the forehead of whoever I’m talking to, but now we have to do that uncomfortable eye-lock for six minutes where we both pretend that didn’t happen until the thing dries up and sloughs off. Don’t like it.
  62. Exerwalking. Did some sadistic physical trainer tell these people that exaggerating their movements and looking like a sixth-place finisher in the Special Olympics burns extra calories? If you’re going to walk, just walk, Buddy. Leave the silly stuff to John Cleese.
  63. Being a cashier. By the time I swipe my card, enter my PIN, hit “OK” thirteen times, hit “No” twice, and then sign I begin to wonder what the moron on the other side of the counter is actually getting paid to do. I have worked pretty hard in life to ensure that I don’t end up being a clerk, but now I’m getting forced to be one with every transaction. Crappy.
  64. Restaurants that don’t have their specials written down. “Would you like to hear the specials tonight?” No, I would like to see the specials printed neatly on a piece of figgin’ paper like everything else, Fuckstick. I’ve just slugged down a dozen mixed drinks waiting for my effing table, and you expect me to remember your grocery list?!? Shut it.
  65. Recycle Nazis. “You’re not going to throw that plastic bottle away are you!?! Here, let me take it home, and I’ll recycle it.” Fine. Transport it another 50 miles before it ends up in the landfill if it makes you feel any better, but don’t give me that look like I just clubbed a baby seal unless you want to be next on my To-Club List.
  66. People who ask for honest feedback but get upset when they get it. Don’t ask me if I think you’re a bad person unless you’re mentally prepared to hear that I’d rather have my kids play hide-and-seek in John Wayne Gacy’s basement with Michael Jackson and an archbishop from Boston than have you watch them. Don’t get huffy. You asked.
  67. That awkward moment after you watch a movie with a group of friends. You know, when nobody wants to break the silence and say anything because they think they are the only one who thinks gay porn was an inappropriate choice. Heh, gotcha!
  68. That second when you think you’ve misplaced something, but then immediately realize the lost object is in your pocket. Getting old sucks.
  69. Accidentally typing an entire page with Caps Lock on. I’m not the best typist in the world, and I have to watch where my fat fingers are wandering. So when I look up after five minutes of typing and the screen is screaming at me I almost sully myself every time.
  70. Full bicycle outfits. When did wind resistance trump looking like an asshole? The four seconds that you may save on your 30-mile bike ride definitely does not warrant a spandex leotard, Lance. The guys that wear this garbage on stationary bikes are priceless, though.
  71. Crows. Close your eyes and imagine waking up to the soft twitter of songbirds outside your bedroom window as the sun is coming up and a cool spring breeze blows in. Nice and relaxing. Then: CAW!!! CAAAAWWRR!!! CACAWW!!!! What the fuck?!?
  72. The greatest thing since sliced bread. Why is sliced bread our yardstick pioneering inventions? Setting the bar pretty low aren’t we?
  73. Having this conversation with a woman you have just met or haven’t seen for a long time: “…That’s great. Good to hear it. So when are you expecting?” I’m not pregnant. “You’re not pre…!?! Er, Sorry. Well, do you have a handgun on you that I can borrow to kill myself or should I slink away under cover of darkness?”
  74. Or this conversation: “Did you guys find out Marshal had Down’s with prenatal testing or did you discover it at birth?” Um, my son doesn’t have Down’s syndrome. “Yikes! Look at the time…”
  75. People that don’t put their belongings in the same place every time. “Now, where are my keys? Have you seen my shoes? I could have sworn I put my wallet in the toaster.” Come on, Columbo. If your memory sucks that bad why not try to keep your shit in one place instead of wasting everyone else’s time looking for your stinking sunglasses?
  76. Those rubber bull ball sacks that some rednecks hang on the trailer hitch of their trucks. How is this socially acceptable? Why is it alright to hang a big scrotum on your vehicle, but people get all offended when you glue a big hairy vagina where you stick the fuel nozzle for the gas pump? I don’t understand.
  77. When the DVD player skips in the middle of a movie. Of course it never happens in the first five minutes. It always happens right as the dental assistant with a chromosomal defect is about to pull the intestines out of the underwear model he has hanging in the barn. Frustrating.
  78. Accidentally releasing the clutch too soon while shifting. I don’t know why, but this instantly pisses me off every time it happens. And I always blame it on the vehicle.
  79. Train horns. Especially when they are continuously blasted at 2:00AM. Train engineers are seriously evil human beings. There have been many a sleepless night that I have wished a tortuously prolonged and painful death on the arsehole pulling the blast horn for ten minutes at a stretch to scare deer off of the tracks. Inhale fire and die, bastards.
  80. Bad parenting. “I don’t know why he doesn’t listen to me. He’s just full of energy.” And you are an effing moron. I don’t want to listen to you either. You have to actually teach children how to behave in a functioning society or else they will turn out like Dick Cheney.
  81. When I go to innocently scratch an itch on the back of my neck and inadvertently squash some goddamn hairy spider whose crawling was causing the itch. EEEEhewwwww!!! TJ coined the term “arachnolepsy” which perfectly describes my reaction every time.
  82. Dog vomit. Before I owned a dog I would have never believed you if you told me that dogs puke green ink that smells like somebody is boiling Ghandi’s sandals. It is easily one of the vilest substances on Oden’s fair planet.
  83. The smell of urine. Not only is the smell horrendous, but also it is difficult to bring up in conversation. “Hey, Bud, did you know your shirt smells like a colony of pregnant bats have been using it for a latrine?” Or “Excuse me, Miss, but your house smells like a retirement home the morning after a kegger.” See what I mean?
  84. Junk shows. One second I’m blazing down a ski run at 60mph on 10 inches of fresh powder under clear blue skies, and the next thing I know a hidden tree branch grabs my ski and somehow manages to disrobe me, leaving a trail of debris that looks like a plane crash in the Andes. Not the best.
  85. Stories about children’s names. “Tarrence was my great grand aunt’s name. She survived for three years in a sunken ship in the Arctic. It’s a ancient Norse na…” Hey, that’s great. Do you happen to have a length of rope and a balcony so I can hang myself? Thanks.
  86. Activists. Honestly, since we have struggled out of the primordial ooze has anyone ever been swayed by someone else with a totally contrary opinion? What is the logic here? “Hmm. People don’t seem to appreciate my point of view during normal conversation, so maybe I can persuade them that I’m right by poorly stating my position on a crappy sign and repeating it to the point of exhaustion on the street corner. If that doesn’t work I’ll bet a shitty informational flier strategically placed under their doormat will definitely do the trick!”
  87. People that can’t navigate a roundabout without killing someone. Once, just once, I’d like to see into the mind of someone that is confused by something so simple. It really isn’t complicated. Look left, turn right. If that seems difficult then maybe you shouldn’t be operating heavy machinery, imbecile.
  88. Dropped calls. I don’t necessarily mind that my call gets dropped unless I’ve been on hold for 45 minutes. The part that gets right under my skin is when both parties immediately try to call each other back, and you both are sent directly to voice mail. So you hang up and try again. Then you see that you have missed a call or you have a call waiting, and you stomp your phone into 50,000 pieces. Pain in the proverbial arse.
  89. Or when your connection is bad and people ask, “Is that your phone?” Hrmm, let me look at it. Nope, it still looks like the same phone to me. {Sniff, sniff} Yep, still smells like the same phone. {Lick, ptew!} A huh, still tastes like my phone. HOW THE FEK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHOSE PHONE IS FEKKING UP, DOUCHE HOLE?!? The goddamn call is bounced into outer-friggin-space for Chrissake.
  90. Mob chants. Right about when a group of people start to mindlessly chant “Hell no! We won’t go!” or “Kill the bill! Kill the bill!” or “insert nonsense here” is just about the same time I start cheering for the riot police to fire rubber bullets and tear gas into the crowd.
  91. Suicidal Insects. What could be so bad in the life of an insect that makes it want to Kamikaze dive into my mouth or eyeball? I mean they’re only alive for a couple of days anyway. Hateful bastards.
  92. Audience participation. {Stomp stomp clap. Stomp stomp clap.} Listen, Jerky. I didn’t pay $6300 per ticket so that I could be your percussionist. Besides, I’m white, and I think we both know that in 20 seconds this is going to degrade into a bunch of random clapping and stomping.
  93. In the wrong place at the wrong time. Really, if you are in the wrong place who gives a shit when you got there?
  94. Annoyingly long urls. “Hey check out my website. Do you have a pen? It’s” Come on, Jackass.
  95. Personal hygiene. I’m not saying that I want to look like Jaoquin Phoenix or smell like hot trash. After all I am not French. It’s just such a chore to keep it up every day. I really need a slave to take care of this garbage for me.
  96. Monkey butt. AKA: swass, swalls, swunt, swaint, etc. I can’t think of one positive thing to say about it. I think most would agree.
  97. Political bumper stickers. Let me clue you in on something. We (I’m speaking for the whole world here) don’t give a rat’s ass that you voted for McGovern in 1972, and the fact that you have a sticker that says “Vote NO on 304!” makes me want to vote “YES” out of spite, even though I have no idea what 304 is.
  98. That weird sound deaf people make when they are signing. Does snorting and moaning somehow give you more manual dexterity? Maybe nobody has told them that they are doing it. I’ve tried, but I don’t think they were listening.
  99. The backhanded wave while looking in the rear view mirror. Basically this says to me, “Yeah, whatever, jack hole. I’m in front of you now.” Hey, pal, just forget the wave and move your arse. We wouldn’t have to worry about it if you learned how to friggin drive. MOVE IT!
  100. And of course…me. I really can be a jaggoff.

Well, did you make the cut? Who did I miss? Let me know.


Anonymous said...

Loved it! I had several direct hits last year-this time only one, that I will never admit. We call the bike riders in full costume "ass clowns". Our sign is a straight index finger with the middle finger crossed over the index and touching at the base of the nail. Try it. We have a long list of ass clown people-recumbent bike riders, belting your pants on the top of the thighs, shopping cart blockers, anyone at Wallmart including me when I go, the list goes on.

Anonymous said...

These are funny. So true and people don't realize just how egocentric and stupid they sound when they start spouting off about topics they know next to nothing about. If you are going to complain, at least know your subject matter and be able to explain it so it is understood the first time.