The Second Annual Misanthrope's List

Well, here it is. The long-awaited Second Annual Edition of the Misanthrope’s List. This is the next catalog of some of the little items that keep me from living in peace and harmony on our dear planet. They are also the things that make life worth living, because what fun would it be if there was nothing to complain about? You can check out my first list here if you are a masochist and want to tackle them both in one sitting. Maybe you made the cut this time, Jerky. Enjoy.

1. Needs fixed / Needs washed / etc. Why is it O.K. to randomly omit critical words from sentences? What part of speech do the remaining words become? Vernouns?!? The subject of the sentence needs to be fixed, Hillbilly.
2. People that leave time on the microwave. “Hey, Dan. What time is it?” Oh, it’s 0:03. Thanks…that’s useful. Are you too lazy to hit “Clear” or just too impatient to wait three seconds for your freshly nuked hot pocket? Either way, I’d like to defrost your skull.
3. People that slow down for railroad tracks. Maybe you shouldn’t transport your Faberge egg collection in the back of a 1981 Buick station wagon. If you’re worried about driving over some bumps, then put a lift kit on that thing, only GET OUT OF MY EFFING WAY!
4. When website login pages are too slow. Let’s get this clear. I am not a fast typist. If I can type both my username and password and hit enter before I’m supposed to, which gives me an error on the login screen, thus requiring me to reenter my information; the web developers are doing a seriously shitty job.
5. Cincinnati chili. What drunken Midwestern slob ever thought that this was a good idea? Hmmm…let’s see. I’ll throw some cinnamon into some perfectly good chili then slop it onto my leftover spaghetti noodles. Mmmm… {hork}… that looks {hork}... good {splash}.
6. Bad DIY jobs. I appreciate that people want to try to “fix” or “improve” their property. I also respect everyone’s right to eff their own houses up in any way they see fit, but don’t expect me to be nice when you brag about what you’ve done to the place. “Wallpaper, in the shower, that’s really...uh…really, nice-ish…”
7. Loud talkers. Hey, Bud, I’m standing right here. Sound generally travels through the air pretty well. You need to knock it down a couple of decibels or you’re going to set off the fire sprinklers in here.
8. Putting anything in my ears. I don’t know about you guys, but things tend to fall out of my ears when they are done growing. No need to go poking around mining for taters that aren’t ripe yet.
9. Nucular. It’s seriously embarrassing that I even have to bring this one up. If you can’t pronounce the word “nuclear” then you probably have no business engaging in a conversation about the subject, Billy Bob.
10. Women’s breasts. Just seeing if you’re paying attention.
11. Die-hard fans. “We’re gonna win it all this year!” We are? How are you affiliated with the organization, again? Oh, right. They kicked you out of the stadium four times already this season for being a drunken jaggoff. Good work, Sportsfan.
12. The zoo. If I wanted to look at a bunch of animals lying in piles of their own feces I’d hang out in the psychiatric ward. That’s what we have the internet for, people. Besides, if you’re going to force me to say ZO-ology, then shouldn’t it be a ZO - not a zoo? I’m just sayin’.
13. Full body mirrors in bathrooms above toilets. I enjoy looking at penises as much as the next guy. Wait a minute. No I don’t. Do I need to watch myself piss? My aim isn’t so bad that I need a secondary guidance system. Take the dam mirror down, or at least paste a fig leaf over the genital area, will ya?
14. Having to give my zip code whenever I buy anything. This is just annoying data grubbing bullshite. Here’s an excerpt from one of my favorite conversations to have with clerks: “Can I have your zip code?” No. “Well, I need it for the computer.” Do you want to make it up or shall I? “But, Sir…” Oooh, let’s guess! It’s a number between 0 and 99999…
15. Precision laser cut beards. Do these guys have CNC beard trimmers or what? Unless you’re in a boy band or you are a professional pedophile, I think it’s time to stop pretending you look cool or creepy - depending upon which way you are leaning.
16. People that say they love how something tastes the instant it touches their lips because they are too polite to say, “This tastes like Bigfoot’s dick.” Look, if you’re going to lie then at least wait a couple of seconds to sell the line. The “I Love It, But I Think I’m Gonna Verp” face is priceless, though.
17. Pop-ups. Really? You’re still trying to advertise with a pop-up window?!? That’s soooo 20^th century. Tell you what - I’ll give you a couple of bucks if you fire the mouth-breathing jackasses in your marketing department that have convinced you that this is a good idea, but I’m not buying you’re shite products, Fuckstick.
18. People that point at their wrist when they ask for the time. Thanks for the sign-language, Helen. I was just going to stare right into the sun, but you saved me from burning out my retinas with that visual aid. How do you ask if you need to find the restroom? I think I know where my watch would be if I had one.
19. New and Improved. If something is truly “New” it goes without saying that it is improved because there was (by definition) nothing before it. It is new. That is, unless you’re selling new forks or spittoons, but then I will be highly skeptical of your “Improved” claim.
20. Semitransparent network logos on TV. Why not just have all of the actors in your shows wear network logos on their asses or have peacock tattoos on their necks? It would be just as annoying and pointless. Nobody gives a rat’s ass what channel they are watching anymore.
21. Commercials at the movies. I didn’t just apply for a second mortgage to take the family to the theater to watch goddamn soda commercials. The snack bar only sells one brand of soda anyway. So what’s the point of the commercial, again?
22. Celebrity relationships. Most people don’t spend enough time on their own relationships, but they seem to be concerned about who Pamela Anderson is sleeping with. Who the Hell cares?!? Well, unless there are pictures or video, then I might be interested.
23. Deliberately misspelled product or business names. Are focus groups telling marketers that we prefer names to be stupid and kitschy rather than correct? I refuse to shop at Toys-R-Us. You know the one. It’s by Krispy Kreme, next to Tastee-Freez, across the street from Kwik-e-Mart. Just Google it.
24. People that create walking jams. How is it, exactly, that someone can be so oblivious as to not notice the twenty-nine-person pile up that they created by standing in the walkway? Chrissakes! I need the Jaws of Life to extract my legs from the shopping cart that the lady behind me ran up my back when I had to suddenly stop because the jaggoff in front of me is friggin’ hypnotized! Walk the speed limit, Bub! I think we should be allowed to carry pedestrian horns that we can blast right in these morons’ ear hole in order to snap them back into reality.
25. People that read novels or surf the web in coffee shops. This is yuppie trendiness at its worst. Listen, Douche Bag, nobody cares that you’re reading “The Metamorphosis” or Machiavelli or whatever other B.S. you happen to think is cool at the time as you sip on your child-sized white chocolate mocha frappuccino (lightly blended with an extra shot of espresso, one pump of sugar free raspberry flavoring with no whipped cream on top) for four hours.
26. Anything on Ice. Unless there are two teams of semi-literate toothless goons firing frozen pucks at each other nothing else should ever be done on ice. I might actually go to Disney on Ice if Mickey would throw is gloves off, pull Donald’s shirt over his head and rain blows about the stupid ass duck’s ears and face once in a while. And I would definitely pay to see Cinderella and Snow White duke it out center ice.
27. Fuel pumps that pump gasoline way too slowly. Ever get one of those pumps that just dribbles fuel out like it has an enlarged prostate? I usually like to spend as little time as possible sucking gasoline vapors, and when the gauge on the fuel dispenser turns slower than a sundial I can feel the water building up on my brain.
28. Sitting on a warm toilet seat. There are very few things in life that truly creep me out. Dropping the deuce hot on the heels of some other hairy mook is one of them. I think all toilet seats should be made from Hypercolor material to let a guy know what he’s up against. You do remember Hypercolor, don’t you?
29. Anyone that has ever been in front of me in any line. It’s not that I’m ever really in a hurry or that I’m impatient that gets me fired up. It’s probably the anticipation of dealing with whatever moron that is proctoring the transaction we are waiting for that makes me want to pluck the hair out of the pimple that’s growing on the back of your neck.
30. Asshole cyclists. Yeah, yeah…You’re saving the planet by riding your bike to work, but you need to drop the magnanimous attitude before I plow your ass into the ditch.
31. People that drive slowly because it’s cold. This one is a particular annoyance because not only am I experiencing the same bullshit weather, but now I’m going to be late and pissed off, too, because apparently some schmeckel is afraid the tires on his car are going to shatter into pieces on the road. Hey, how about warming your shit up before you get on the road and destroy my life?!?
32. Obvious dentures. Is it impossible to manufacture dentures that don’t look like they were just driven off of the showroom floor? This one is especially off-putting when the sparkling neon white choppers belong to some octogenarian with whom I am trying to carry on a conversation. It’s kind of like putting a new hood ornament on a rusty Plymouth Volare, and it is entirely distracting.
33. Text/IM shortcuts. OMG wutz the BFD? The BFD is that it’s fekking annoying, especially when I’m not reading a text message. Just stop it.
34. Anyone over 16 with braces. I find it hard to take someone seriously when they sound like a 13 year-old math geek and spray a mist from their mouth that casts a rainbow between us whenever they speak. Why not just buy a sports car or get fake boobs like everyone else going through a midlife crisis?
35. Watching people eat. Whenever I see someone sucking down a baker’s dozen of Big Macs I flash back to the infamous scene in “The Meaning of Life.” “Betta get a bucket. Oym gonna frow up.” Yet, strangely, I can’t seem to pry my eyes away.
36. Axing you a question. The word “ask” has to be the most mispronounced English word on the planet. I’d find out for sure, but I don’t know who to ast.
37. Anyone that is afraid of a terrorist. Not only does this play into the terrorists’ ignorance and make their position stronger, but it also shows that you are a coward and very, very bad at math. You should be more afraid of me, especially if are in front of me on line.
38. Pointless conversations. Ugh. I’ve started carrying a tazer for these situations. “Oh, so you’re saying that G.W. Bush was the greatest president these United States have ever had as God and Sonny Jesus are your witnesses? And any logical argument that I can ever come up with will never change your mind? One moment please.” At this point I pull out my tazer and electrocute myself into unconsciousness. Keeps me out of jail.
39. Big Johnson anything. Really? You’re forty years old and you’re wearing a Big Joh….Oh, I can’t even be bothered with chastising you.
40. Walnuts. How does something so disgusting end up in so many recipes? This isn’t The Great Depression. We don’t need to scrape things off of the driveway to add as filler in recipes. Just leave them out, people. Nobody under the age of 75 likes them anyway. There are very few things as disappointing as biting into a beautiful piece of carrot cake only to find that it is peppered throughout with these vile nuts. Don’t yuck my yum.
41. Eric Roberts. I’m guessing I’m not alone on this one. Something about the guy just rubs my fur the wrong direction. Maybe it’s because he sucks so bad at everything he does. I shouldn’t say that. What I mean to say is that he sucks at everything that he does in public.
42. Bad potato salad. I hate, and I mean HATE, when I pile a huge mound of potato salad on my paper plate at an outing expecting creamy starch-riddled deliciousness only to be affronted by a concoction that any 15^th century alchemist would have admired. How do you screw up potato salad?!? Are those walnuts?!? Come on!
43. Weak showers. There are few things in life better than getting into the shower after a long week of slacking off in order to have your skin blasted clean with a high-pressure stream of steaming-hot watery bliss. Conversely, there aren’t too many things that piss me off more than a shower head that leaks water out slower than an incontinent civil war veteran on an ice fishing trip. Don’t waste my time with weak head…wait, that didn’t come out right.
44. Internal farts. There you are in a company meeting or on a date or in the confessional being a good little boy by holding back an hour’s worth of ripsnorting Hell, and suddenly a solenoid trips in your internal plumbing venting your trapped gas into some other chamber in your guts making a sound reminiscent of a Whoopie cushion equipped with a muffler. Then you get all of the social disdain and admonishing stares without any of the relief or satisfaction that you would have gotten if you would have just unleashed a cloud of dimethylburnyourlipsoff on your co-workers 20 minutes ago. Truly lame.
45. The grab-your-thumb handshake. This always makes me feel like an extra in an old Starsky and Hutch episode. Unless you’re helping me out of a well or indoctrinating me into the Loyal Order of Water Buffaloes, I’ll take the standard handshake, Huggy Bear.
46. Chronically late people. Seriously, how hard is it to get your crap in a pile and show up on time once? It’s inconsiderate and lazy. You’re not that important.
47. Excessive key chains. Hey, Snyder, you don’t need the trunk keys from your first twelve cars, a dead animal’s foot, mace, a picture frame, and a fire extinguisher hanging from your ignition. Key chains are not the place to make a social statement and lugging around ninety pounds of scrap metal can’t be great for your back either.
48. The vague local connection that TV news broadcasts always push. Let’s say there’s a news story about a silo that tipped over in Bumblefuck, Wisconsin squashing 18 cows. Then (for whatever asinine reason) we cut to an interview with a local Colorado woman whose parents used to own the farm next door (before they moved to Denver in the 60’s) so she can describe her “emotions” surrounding the disaster and how it will effect her life. What the?!?
49. Repeat offenders. I like to admire my creations as much as the next guy, but there is something sad when part of the deposit is still hanging around after three or four flushes. Be free little guy. Go live with the rest of your family.
50. The fact that “expediously” isn’t a word. How is something as idiotic as “staycation” allowed into the dictionary, yet “expediously” can’t make the cut? Expediously (adverb): quickly; with efficiency; in an efficient manner. As in: The job must be completed expediously. You can take your “staycation” and your “webisode” and cram them up your arse.
51. People that wear scrubs when they aren’t in a hospital. I’m sure there is a reason that hospital personnel are required to wear scrubs. Namely, that they don’t want to get bodily fluids from Typhoid Mary on their street clothes and then transmit the Black Death from their place of work to the general population. So why is it acceptable to wear that smallpox-infested clothing outside of the hospital? Carry a change of clothes for Chrissakes, Scumbag.
52. People that drive cop cars. If you drive a Crown Victoria, Caprice Classic, Dodge Charger, or new Chevy Impala that is either white, black or navy blue, and you are not a police officer, then you are a complete douche hole. If you are in fact a police officer then it goes without saying. Your poor vehicle selection causes traffic issues and is the primary reason my middle finger is so sore right now.
53. The pretend sneak. You’re watching a movie or having a conversation and someone needs to pass by so for some reason they turn into one of the characters from Spy Vs. Spy, hunch their shoulders awkwardly and fake tiptoe past. Not only is this weird, but it is also very distracting which (I assume) is the opposite of the intent. Stop doing that.
54. Improper use of the word “fun”. Let’s get this straight. Curtains will never be “fun”. The pattern on a handbag is not “fun”, and the only way a hairdo can be “fun” is if it has a playground in it.
55. Munich – the movie. P. effing U. This one belongs right down there with A.I. and Gigli. In fact the only way it could possibly be worse is if they would have cast Eric Roberts as the lead. It’s so bad, in fact, that walnuts might actually make it better.
56. Pimples in odd places. You know, I’ve got enough shit to worry about without having a zit on the inside of my ass crack or inside my ear. It’s just crappy.
57. TV Typing. O.K. I think we’ve all been around keyboards long enough to know what actual typing sounds like. The light-speed mashing of keys when people are pretending to type is absolutely annoying. Knock it off.
58. Auto dealer names. You wouldn’t go to Olaf Gjoviczch’s Lingerie Outlet would you? Well, I know some of you would, but the rest of us would probably talk to the city council about it. Why in the wide, wide world of sports can’t these dealers come up with an original business name that doesn’t involve checking pronunciations in the Ellis Island register?
59. Milk. I’ve covered this one extensively before. I still just do not understand why humans believe they need to be breast fed by cows. Ick.
60. Cliff-hangers. I really dislike looking in the mirror and finding a stalactite swinging off of the end of my beezer, especially if it’s directly after having a conversation with someone that I’m trying to impress. Not good.
61. Smokers. Really? You’re still smoking? In 2009? I don’t have a problem with people killing themselves. Many people should seriously consider it, in fact, but smoking just takes way too long. It’s annoying. I think smokers should just get one pack that guarantees immediate death after finishing. Of course that pack would have to cost around $45k so the poor tobacco companies don’t loose too much business.
62. Dollars = money. Why do salesmen continue to do this? “Hey, Dan, let’s see if we can save you some dollars on this deal.” Well, actually, I’m planning on taking a trip overseas, so could you try to save me some dinars or rupees instead? Might want to throw some guilders and shekels in there while you’re at it, Moron.
63. “Not Responsible for Broken Windshields” signs on trucks. How nice would it be if you could just waive liability for your actions by putting up a sign? I think I’m going to get a couple of t-shirts made: “Not responsible for broken jaws” and just plain “Not responsible”. That should pretty much cover all of my discretions.
64. Having a sore throat. If I believed that I had a soul I would gladly sell it to the Devil if he would guarantee that I’d never get a sore throat again. Of course, I would then have to believe in the Devil, too. Jesus, it’s probably just easier to suck on some cough drops now and then.
65. Crappy shoelaces. Nothing ruins a morning faster than punching yourself in the face and flying backwards off of your chair when your shoelace breaks as you’re tightening it. Makes me want to nuke the day right off the bat.
66. Monitor touchers. Hey, Jag! Keep your greasy fingers off of my screen! I can tell what you are pointing at without you wiping your snot all over Hell’s creation. No touchy, or you’re asking for big owies.
67. Pet personifiers. I get that people want their pets to have some sort of human emotions for whatever effed up reason. It’s just that some of these folks push it way over into the fruitcake column. “He says, ‘Hi.’ He says, ‘Hey, I want some of that yummy sandwich.’ He says, ‘I’m excited.’” ENOUGH!! Hey, Doolittle, nobody cares what you think your unruly goddamn dog is feeling. What’s he saying when he licks his own arsehole, Nutjob?
68. Traffic cops. It must make these guys feel great to know that they can’t perform a function with the same efficiency as a slowly-blinking multi-colored light. Horrible.
69. Carmex. Hey, here’s a great idea. How about you smear a petrochemical concoction that smells like Magellan’s shorts all over your face a couple of dozen times a day? It will give you that glossy “I just made out with a St. Bernard” look, too. Sounds great. Did you know that Carmex was originally invented for use as an aircraft bearing grease in WWII? O.K., that’s not true, but it wouldn’t surprise you, would it?
70. TP that isn’t structurally sound. If during clean up operations I give myself an unintentional shocker I am not going to be a happy camper. There should be a warning on the roll: WARNING: Digital stimulation hazard!
71. People that try to get every last milliliter of fuel they can into their gas tank. Ssssssptuh. Sssssssssptuh. Ssspt. Ssssssspt. Sssssptuh. Tump. Tump. Sspt. Ssssspt. Tump. Sssssss. Sssssptuh. Just about done there, Juicebag?
72. Guys that wear bandannas. See #15. These people are often double offenders.
73. Dividing up large meal bills. Holy Hell! Nothing ruins an excellent meal with a group of ten friends faster than having someone complain that he’s being screwed out of $0.39 from the tip because his wine spritzer cost less than my Maker’s on the rocks. If you go out with more than three people, just divide it up evenly, and then go home and kill yourself if you have a problem with it.
74. Accidentally ramming my pen cap into my gums. Here I am pretending to pay attention to whatever nonsense presentation or lecture I am attending for the afternoon, lightly resting my teeth on my pen cap when suddenly I nod off and cram the damnable device into my gums. Now not only am I agitated because I’m stuck in a useless meeting, but I also have bleeding gums and was rudely disturbed from my nap. Not the best.
75. When I can tell what someone’s skull looks like. I find it hard to concentrate on anything someone is saying if is too easy to imagine what they would look like with no skin on their head. I always feel like I’m talking to the creepy guy from Poltergeist II. “Are you lost, Sweetheart? I'll sing you a song until your mom gets back.” {shudder}
76. Snoop Dogg talk. Imizzle if evizzle wizzle to tizzle thizzle wizzle. It is absolutizzle annoyizzle and stupizzle. Try it out at your nizzle intervizzle. Gizoogle it, Biotches. See what I mean? It wasn’t funny the first time.
77. Two streams. Ever stagger into the bathroom at asshole early to take a leak only to be woken up by the sound of water being poured onto the garbage can lid? Now you have to make some rapid-fire pre-dawn calculations about which stream will create the least amount of collateral damage before you manage to squeeze off the flow. This is where that mirror might come in handy.
78. The Eagles. Alright. I’ll give you Hotel California. Other than that, you can keep your week-ass, fake-harmonizing, Beach Boys wannabes music to yourselves. Joe Walsh is their only saving grace. Plus they have a singing drummer which is never good…unless you’re Levon Helms of course.
79. Fake lips. Come on, ladies. PLEASE stop injecting ass fat into your face. I don’t know who decided having lips that look like a baboon’s hemorrhoids is attractive, but they either had bad eyesight or a brilliant sense of humor. The whole “I’m having an allergic reaction to an insect sting” look is silly.
80. Misplaced apostrophes. I understand why some people have an issue with this one since it requires an actual thought process. Apostrophes indicate either possession or contraction. I know. It’s pretty complicated. This is one of the many reasons I don’t eat at Quiznos. Does Quizno own the place (Quizno’s)? Does the Quizno family own it (Quiznos’)? Or are there just a bunch of weirdos hanging out in there (Quiznos)? It’s just too confusing for a shop that sells burnt sandwiches.
81. When people obviously do something. This one is going to be a bit hard to explain. Say someone is strolling down the sidewalk when they trip over a crack and stumble for five yards before they manage to regain control of the ship. Then they walk back to the crack and obviously look at it so that other people notice that they are looking at it, as if to say, “Look at me looking at this crack. I’m not just casually looking at the sidewalk here, people. I’m looking at something.” I don’t know. It’s just annoying, so f*ck off.
82. Kiss. O.K., O.K. Alright! O.K., OW! Stop kicking me! It’s just that saying the same five {ducking} words over and over for four minutes is a bit…OW…annoying {dodge}. JESUS! {running away}
83. Unnecessary live on location news reports. Suppose a mailman decides he’s had enough of delivering the mail in the sleet one day and goes ballistic, killing everyone in twelve-block radius around the post office in some tiny suburb of Pawtucket, 2000 miles away. Now our local news sends out a reporter to our post office to do the story. Huh?!? Why, exactly, do they have to be at a post office to get their point across? It’s needless and silly.
84. In Loving Memory bumper stickers. Let’s get this straight right now. If I ever die (and the odds are that I will) do not - let me repeat - DO NOT dedicate the back window of a Ford Escort to my Loving Memory. Am I the only one that thinks this is cheap and disrespectful? Slap the sticker on the toilet tank, why don’t ya for fekk’s sake?
85. People that breathe really heavily through their nose. I’m sure whatever you’re saying is very interesting, but I can’t concentrate as long as the yeti next to me is breathing through his nose like a surfacing sea lion. I’m pretty sure he’s awake and snoring. Gross.
86. Forgetting what I am doing. Ever walk into a room and have no idea why the Hell you’re in there? Seems like that’s happening more and more since I’ve stopped sniffing glue.
87. People that say fluid when they mean liquid. By definition a fluid is anything that flows. Liquids are fluids, but it doesn’t work the other way around. “Please refrain from bringing fluids onto the plane.” Do you mean AIR?!? ‘Cuz I’m pretty sure I’m gonna need that, Einstein.
88. Hangovers. Did you know that children wake up and need to eat at the same time every morning regardless of how many bottles of Cuervo you smash over your head the night before? It’s true.
89. Biting the inside of my cheek. Why do my teeth suddenly decide that they want to escape the confines of my mouth by chewing a hole through the side of my face? No, sir. I don’t like it.
90. Hospitals. These places give me the heebee-jeebees on top of the screaming willies. Who knows what kind of airborne lurgy and creeping crud is floating around in there? Makes my lungs itch just thinking about it. Plus you always have to be on the lookout for zombies. Everybody knows zombie attacks usually start at hospitals and malls, right?
91. People that quote bible verses. This is the kind of BS that semi-literate religious zealots pull on me when I make them feel bad about their life choices. The verses don’t mean anything out of context. For example, 2 Kings 2:24 - So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths. What…the…f*ck are you talking about, Mac?
92. Little kids with grown up names. Aw, what a cute little baby. What’s his name? “Gary.” *Gulp*…{insert spit take}…Gary?!? Gary is the wrestler in high school that has a mustache when he is 13 and has pimples all over his back. It definitely does not fit on a cute little baby in a stroller. I don’t know it just creeps me out, O.K.?
93. People that are proud to be computer illiterate. “I just don’t know the first thing about computers.” Get over it, people. Technology is technology. Still riding the stagecoach to town to drop off a Pony Express letter to the barber to schedule your yearly haircut and bloodletting, are you? It’s not cool to be stupid, especially intentionally so.
94. Grabasstically disorganized dishwasher loading. Why is it impossible for people to take ten seconds to figure out how best to situate their dirty dishes in the dishwasher? You should be able to fit more than three coffee mugs and a spatula in there, Slob. Whenever I open the door and see dishes scattered randomly around in there like bodies at Jonestown I want to pour liquid soap into my eyes. Too anal retentive?
95. Fingernail biters. Something about people that chew their nails down to the bone makes me want to york. It’s probably that it’s just plain gross. What if those disgusting weirdos with the longest fingernails in the world started chowing them down? Ew.
96. And, finally, me. I truly can be a jaggoff sometimes.

So Long, John

Do you know who this man is? I’d be willing to bet that you do. If you’re over the age of 25 his impact on your life is probably immeasurable. Your memories are full of images, quotes and music that he has expertly placed there. Your fashion sense (or lack thereof) and style as well as the type of music that you listened to were all directly swayed by his creative genius. I’ll give you a hint: he is NOT Emo Phillips. Got it yet? O.K., I’ll tell you. His name is John Hughes. You still have no idea, do you? Come on, people! This man had arguably a larger sphere of influence surrounding him than anyone in the 80’s and early 90’s. Here’s a little more background information to help out. He made his acting debut in a brilliant uncredited role as “'Girl' in Dress with Paper Bag Over Head” in National Lampoon’s Class Reunion that somehow slipped past the folks at the Academy Awards. If you haven’t seen Class Reunion, you definitely need to. It is effing brilliant, and its fumbling attempts at humor and acting gives Student Bodies a run for its money…but I digress. The man pictured above is also responsible for such tour de force performances as “Man Running Between Cabs” in Ferris Beuller’s Day Off and a brilliant ten second part as “Brian’s Dad” in Breakfast Club. Add to his resume the fact that he was also the mastermind behind the famous Edge "Credit Card Shaving Test" ad campaign, and you’ll start to see his where I am coming from. No?

If you’re still wondering why you should care who this man is let me end the suspense now. John Hughes was the writer, director and producer of some of the most influential films of our lifetime. He was responsible for such screen gems as: Class Reunion (1982) [a classic if you are a aficionado of bad cinema like I am], Mr. Mom (1983) [meh…], Vacation (1983) [excellent], Sixteen Candles (1984), The Breakfast Club (1985), European Vacation (1985), Weird Science (1985) [see what I’m saying yet?], Pretty in Pink (1986), Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986), Planes, Trains & Automobiles (1987), The Great Outdoors (1988), Uncle Buck (1989), Christmas Vacation (1989), Home Alone (1990) as well as a dozen or so more movies that, well, aren’t as good. With the catalog of incredible films listed above it is easy to see what effect John Hughes has had on pop culture and on our generation as a whole. I’ve probably seen each of these movies easily ten times each, and I still never tire of watching them.

Hughes broke onto the Hollywood scene with the brilliant National Lampoon’s Vacation (“Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?” “Nothin’ but the best, Clark.”) and followed it up with what is arguably the most impressive string of comedies ever produced since the Marx brothers wandered off of the Vaudeville stage. His films were a collective breath of fresh air that broke free from the shadow of earlier comedic masterpieces like Animal House and Caddy Shack, and his portrayal of the realities of teenage life were a welcome step away from the Porky’s-style movies that preceded them. He used cutting edge film techniques like having the characters acknowledge the audience which set the bar for all others that dared follow in his footsteps. The “Brat Pack” (Ally Sheedy, Andrew McCarthy, Anthony Michael Hall, Emilio Estevez, Demi Moore, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, and Rob Lowe) was born on his screen, and they continue to…um…I guess…well, they were great back then, weren’t they?

The musical scores for his films were all top-notch as well. They included music that John himself liked, and effectively capture the feeling of what people were listening to at the time that the films were made. Orchestral Maneuvers in the Dark, The Dream Academy, Yello, Oingo-Boingo, Los Lobos, and a veritable who’s who of 80’s rock icons back up his brilliant storylines and writing. To this day I can’t hear the Simple Mind’s “Don’t You Forget About Me” without thinking of the closing scene of The Breakfast Club. The same goes for Oingo-Boingo’s “It’s a Dead Man’s Party” and Weird Science. These songs are forever linked to those films in my mind the same way The Cars' “Moving in Stereo” is linked to Phoebe Kates' slow-mo pool exit in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. Well, maybe not the same way (fellas, you know what I mean). Speaking of teen hormonal imbalances, John’s choice of Kelly LeBrock as the “creation”, Lisa, in Weird Science was definitely instrumental in many of my late night fumblefests in high school. Absolutely top marks there.

Although Ferris Beuller’s Day Off alone grossed more than $70 million in North America (after being made for around $6 million) it was Home Alone (sadly) that really caught the world’s attention. I must say that I am not a big fan, particularly because I think Macaulay Culkin is just about as unbearable to watch as Eric Roberts. I'd rather run a razor blade in between my toes. However, Home Alone remains at the top of the list of most successful live-action comedies of all time after raking in over $500 million worldwide.

In 1994, Hughes moved away from the spotlights in Hollywood to escape from the media and bask in the glow of early retirement in…Wisconsin? He even picked up a plow and played farmer in Illinois where he grew up. He died yesterday at the age of 59 while visiting family in New York.

You won’t hear the name of John Hughes in a list of directors like Martin Scorsese, Ron Howard, Steven Spielberg, and Alfred Hitchcock. Sadly, he never won any awards for any of his films. I don’t put too much merit in awards anyways. His works live inside us. They have helped to form an entire generation, my generation, and continue to influence us even today, 20 years later. Thank you, John.