Sunday, July 27, 2008

The Misanthrope's List

This is the antithesis to my first list. This list will be a short catalog of the things in life that agitate the piss out of me, and for symmetry I have decided to include ten songs that are incredibly aggravating as well. It turned out to be harder than I thought since it seems like everything pisses me off lately. Maybe I’m not as grouchy as I thought. Enjoy.

  1. People. A person has a chance, but people are totally useless.
  2. Lines. Especially when you’re waiting for something that you don’t want to do to begin with. I think we should all have a slave or a convict that can hold our place in line for us while we get other stuff done. At least it would make lines more interesting to watch.
  3. Barking dogs. Or more appropriately…
  4. The owners of barking dogs. Hey, Mac. Do you think you can pull yourself away from “Judge Judy” long enough to train your dog?!? Why do you even have that thing, anyway?
  5. Chocoholics, workaholics, sexaholics, etc. Listen, alcohol is a substance, and the suffix “ic” means “of or pertaining to,” thus, alcohol-ic. I don’t know what sexahol is, but it just sounds gross.
  6. Monica-gate, Iran-gate, etc. Come on, people. The hotel was the Watergate, and that was 36 frickin’ years ago. Are you that lazy? Adding “gate” to a word is not creative. It’s boring and kitschy.
  7. TV. I can’t remember the last time I saw something genuinely funny, informative, useful, or interesting come out of that box…especially since I started watching porn on the computer.
  8. “Macarena” by Los del Rio. What the…? The best part of this song is that it gives me a good reason to avoid wedding receptions.
  9. Dancing. Ever watch a single member of a big choreography number? They look like they have a parasitic worm in their brain. Easily one of the worst things women have ever come up with.
  10. Cats. Oh, Mr. Fluffums is just independent. If by independent, you mean feral, then, yes, Mr. Fluffums is independent. There’s no way that thing knows its name, either.
  11. Tofu. Imagine trying to explain tofu to someone in the 18th century. Can’t think of a compelling argument, can you?
  12. Bad recipe names. Would you order “Cheesy Nutty Bake” from a restaurant? Spend two minutes naming your creation. Your kids aren’t named “Fleshy Bloody Boy” and “Hairy Bony Girl” are they?
  13. Web pages that don’t print properly. We can land a vehicle on Mars, but for some reason the programming geeks can’t figure out how to get information from my screen onto a single sheet of paper. Typical.
  14. Spam. I don’t need another loan, I can get a boner just fine, and I don’t need a replica watch or a foreign prescription for Percocet. Are we clear?
  15. Junk Mail. Unless it comes with a business reply envelope. Then it’s quite fun, actually.
  16. Whiners. I’m hurt. Boo, hoo. Quit whining about it. Pick up your arm, and let’s go.
  17. “Rollin'” by Limp Bizkit. I’d rather have my feet roasted than ever hear that noise again.
  18. Ebonics. Or African American English. Such a bad idea that it’s made a mockery of itself, which is a giant step in the wrong direction, Muthafukka.
  19. Crying babies. I literally can't think of any noise ever made since the creation of ears that is even close to being half as agitating as a crying baby. It makes me want to pull the house down on top of myself every time.
  20. G.W. What is there to say that hasn’t been said?
  21. Ignorance. I don’t mind if you choose not to educate yourself or open your mind, but don’t act like you know what the f*ck you’re talking about. Unless you’re five years old there’s no excuse for it.
  22. Close talkers. Don’t know if you’re a close talker? Look down. If you’re standing on the same tile as I am, someone’s going to get hurt.
  23. Bad drivers. How can you suck so bad at something you do every day? It doesn’t seem possible to me. And why is it that everybody will tell you they are bad at math or that they are clumsy, but nobody admits to being a bad driver?
  24. When people make up what they think you just said, and it usually doesn’t make any sense at all. Example: I say, “I’m going to the car.” They say, “You’re covered in tar?” Grrrrr…{Grinding teeth}
  25. Popcorn. The smell of it makes me want to york.
  26. Baseball. I’d rather drive through Nebraska listening to Alanis Morissette than watch one boring-ass baseball game on TV. If I’m playing it’s another story, but then again I like to take naps.
  27. Political correctness. We’ve already kind of covered this earlier. Don’t fear language, people.
  28. Text messages. I have a hard enough time mashing the numbers on my phone with my fat fingers without trying to hunt down letters on that infernal device. Just call me will ya!
  29. “Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm” by Crash Test Dummies. I think this is a rip-off from a Lennon and McCartney song. Oh, wait. Nope, it just sucks.
  30. Clutter. Do you really need nine sets of dishes? How about the ruler you used in fourth grade? And if you can still fit into your baby clothes then maybe you can keep them, but you should see a doctor. If it has been in a box for over 6 months then you won’t miss it.
  31. Knickknacks. What the f*ck am I going to do with a decorative spoon from the Grand Canyon?!?
  32. Faux hawks. When did pretending to be cool become cool? My son likes temporary tattoos, too, but then he’s three. Shit or get off the pot, fellas.
  33. People with bad breath. What did you just have in your mouth? Big Foot’s dick?
  34. "Gettin' Jiggy Wit It" by Will Smith. Unh, unh, unh, unh, Hoo cah cah, Hah hah, hah hah, Bicka bicka bow bow bow, Bicka bow bow bump bump...I dunno either.
  35. Saturday Night Live! How is this show even on anymore? It hasn’t been funny since the first cast. And why were they affected by the writers’ strike, exactly?
  36. Muffin tops. I understand that it’s cool to be comfortable in your body, but you’re scaring the children. And I might have to sit in that seat after you’re done sweating on it.
  37. Dumb-ass authority figures. “Because I said so” is not a good reason for me to do anything, ever.
  38. Busy work. Why do I have to stick around if there’s nothing to do, again?
  39. Bureaucracy. Look, I don’t need safety training to know how to use the toilet properly, and I’m certainly not filling out an acquisition request form for the use of the paper…unless you give me a donation receipt when I’m done.
  40. Closed-mindedness. If all you can do is follow someone else’s dogma without question, then crawl into a hole and try not to infect anyone else until we develop a vaccine.
  41. Hippies. I should say fake hippies. The kind you find at Phish shows and Planet Bluegrass concerts. Real hippies actually stood for something other than boycotting personal hygiene products. And they weren’t begging for free tickets all the time either, Dirtball.
  42. Bad food at a restaurant. Ditto bad service. I think if everybody asked themselves two questions about a dining establishment then most of this BS would be cleared up: Why did I come in here, and why would I ever come back?
  43. People that say things like, “That place has the best Chinese food.” Really. The best Chinese food…is in Hog Jaw, Arkansas…thanks Cletus, but I’ll reserve my judgment on that one. And why are you pushing the My Dung Palace Chinese place on me when Fuk Mii Restaurant and the Big Wing Wang Thai place are closer?
  44. Mosquitoes. What, we can wipe out a couple of thousand species a year, but somehow the most dangerous and particularly annoying animal on the planet isn’t on our hit list?
  45. Cattle. These stupid animals are an economic and ecological disaster. You can keep your steak and gross milk. F*ck cows…I do like cheese, though.
  46. Adding compound words to the dictionary. Why is “Bumble-Bee” in the dictionary? “Bumble” is an adjective describing the noun “Bee”. Both words are already in there. There’s no need to add the compound, except to sell more dictionaries when the new edition comes out.
  47. Tangled-up cords/hoses/wires/ropes/etc. Ooh, this gets me going every time.
  48. “Supermodel” by Rue Paul. Where do I even begin?
  49. Inappropriate use of the word “Ironic”. “Ironic” does not mean “unfortunate” or “coincidental”. Rain on your wedding day is not ironic. Saying that a good looking guy with his faux hawk on fire is “hot” is ironic.
  50. People that wear their media players everywhere. Are you so self-involved or socially-inept that you need to have your earbuds in wherever you go in order to shut everyone else out?...I’m talking to you…
  51. Christmas. Mostly, what’s become of Christmas. I love listening to Deano and Bing, watching “A Christmas Story”, and decorating the tree. It’s just that everything gets lost in the over consumption and over commercialization of it all. What should we get for her? What am I gonna get from them? Merry Getmas…
  52. Yard work. Again, this is another good reason to have a slave or a convict around.
  53. Being hot. A hot Dan is a grouchy Dan. There’s nothing worse than a hot Dan. No…you’re right. A hot Carl is worse.
  54. Mothers Against anything. This kind of support group (although well-meaning) usually forces reactionary action on law makers based on bad statistics and emotions. The issues that they deal with are often just too complicated for any realistic solution to be found immediately. Sad, but true.
  55. Bad customer service. Seriously, there are other jobs. If you don’t like dealing with people then become a politician or a teacher. I shouldn’t have to make you cry before I get some decent answers to my questions.
  56. Bad tech support. At the minimum you should know more about your product than the consumer. If not, you suck. I’ll leave it at that.
  57. “Longer” by Dan Fogelberg. I could wear a tutu and an Anne Geddes t-shirt while tampon shopping with my toy poodle and retain more masculinity than this lame-ass garbage.
  58. Anne Geddes portraits. Why is it acceptable to humiliate your child? At what point does this just become sad (as well as idiotic)? I know that if I tried to stuff my son in a flower pot he’d punch me square in the nuts, deservedly so.
  59. Re-sealable packages. Has anyone ever gotten these things to actually close? Why do the manufacturers insist on spending the money to put a non-functional zip lock on a bag of frozen corn? Like everything else, just to piss me off, I guess.
  60. Saran wrap. This is a wonder of modern marketing. Here’s a product that doesn’t work and has never worked for what it is intended to do – seal up containers. Yet people still buy it and try in vain to use it, and they are always amazed when it doesn’t work. I can only think of one thing it actually works well for (see #53).
  61. Bad teachers. Saying a subject is hard is no excuse for your ineptitude. Of course it’s hard. That’s why I’m paying you to teach me, Jackass.
  62. Flat tires on bicycles. Great googly moogly! That gets right under my skin.
  63. Pulling wool socks or sweaters from the washer. Yeech! Sends a chill up my spine just thinking about it.
  64. Wimpy sneezers. You’re never going to clean out a beezer that size if the only noise you make sounds like a sick kitten. FREE YOUR SNEEZE!
  65. 500 miles” by The Proclaimers. I -would -walk -five -hun -dred -miles -and -I -would -walk -five -hun -dred -more -just -to avoid hearing this nonsense ever again. It’s even annoying to read, isn’t it?
  66. Bad sales people. Everyone complains that we’re in an economic downturn, but it’s impossible to buy anything without waiting until Rapture for a sales rep to get their crap in a pile. You know what? We’ll see ya, Smartguy. There are only about 90 other places I can go to get what I need.
  67. Rupert Murdoch. Don’t know who he is? Have a look here and be afraid. Be very afraid.
  68. Guys that try to make everything into sexual innuendo. For example: I say, “I need to change the toner cartridge.” They say, “I’d like to change her toner cartridge.” What the?!? That doesn’t even make sense, Dude. Knock it off.
  69. Elitism. Get over yourself, people. I like to imagine an elitist trapped in their car after an accident. Shall I fetch the diamond-studded jaws-of-life, Madame? Not so proud when you’re spitting out glass and teeth, are you? I’m such a barbarian.
  70. Bad spelling and grammar. Primarily on public documents. I can look past the occasional trip-up (especially when it’s mine), but for my sanity can you run your crap through a spell checker once…maybe even read it first.
  71. Things the spell checker doesn’t catch. Like when I send out a document and I see that I said “you” instead of “your.” (As in: check you email.) OOOH! That grabs me by the pink parts!
  72. The Sun. Whitey burns up unless I’m slathered with enough sunscreen that I look like a member of the Blue Man Group. Colorado probably isn’t the best state for a vampire, but I love it none-the-less.
  73. Pregnancy and childbirth discussions. If I ever have to hear about a mucus plug again, I’m going to loose my shit.
  74. The movie “A.I.” Jesus Tittyf*cking Christ. This movie is about 146 minutes too long. Easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen. I can’t say if it’s the worst movie ever made, but then again I’m smart enough to have avoided movies like “Son of the Mask” and “Pluto Nash.”
  75. Semi drivers that drive 95 miles per hour in a blizzard. I’m having a hard enough time keeping it on the road without them blasting by. They almost always make me spill my beer, too. Maniacs.
  76. Much as I hate to do this – “Kokomo” by The Beach Boys. I know that they are one of the most influential bands of all time, but this song makes my small intestines want to shoot up into my brain.
  77. You. Hey, I told you I was a misanthrope already.
  78. Rap music. When rap first started, the artists had something to say. Twenty-some odd years of saying the same thing in the same way is pretty fekking annoying.
  79. Being lied to. Odds are that I don’t care enough about what you think to warrant a lie. And if I find the lie out, I think I’m technically entitled to burn your pants or something.
  80. The French language. I can never tell if someone speaking French is gagging or asking me where to find the bathroom.
  81. Bad beer. I’m not chugging beers through a hose and a funnel anymore. When I buy beer I’d like to sit down and enjoy a nicely crafted brew. If I come home with a six-pack of Dog Snort IPA expecting instant gratification and semi-sober bliss, and instead I find out that it tastes like it was brewed inside someone’s fake leg, I get seriously agitated.
  82. The whole boxer shorts / pants hanging under the ass thing. Who ever thought this was attractive or fashionable? And, ladies, why do you allow this to go on? All you have to do is tell the feebs that are pulling this crap that it looks ridiculous, and it will stop the next day. I must admit that I get some pleasure from watching these knuckleheads run and try to keep their pants up…especially when they are being chased.
  83. Improper use of “I” and “me.” Gerald is mad at Kevin and me. Kevin and I burned down his house. See?
  84. Uncooked celery. I’d rather eat a plate of earwax nachos than eat raw celery. As my son would say, “That’s lousy, Dad.”
  85. Comb-overs. This one is a tough one for me…and not because I’m bald. It’s tough because I do get joy from seeing someone that looks foolish especially when they are trying to be serious, but it still just pisses me off for some reason, so here we are.
  86. People that swerve into oncoming traffic to “avoid” bicyclists. So, people are willing to have a head-on collision with oncoming traffic instead of staying in their lane (which is plenty of room)? Is that what I’m seeing? I have a secret desire to witness two of these morons coming in opposite directions and passing bicyclists at the same time. Sweet, sweet calamity.
  87. “Lovin’ You” by Minnie Ripperton. This one makes me want to kick my dog whenever I hear it, and (oddly enough) I think my dog wants to be kicked when he hears it. Jesus, it’s awful.
  88. Hypocrisy. Practice what you preach, Man. Nobody really cares about what you say if you don’t follow it up. See #79.
  89. When you try to nonchalantly pick your nose, and you end up accidentally pulling out something that feels like the other end is attached to the bottom of your lung. Now you have this six-inch thing that looks like a sea slug to dispose of discretely. Too much?
  90. Uneducated voters. Why do people bother voting at all if they are just going to pick the first selection all the way down the ballot so they can get back home and finish watching “Dr. Phil”? The same goes for people that vote strictly on party lines. “Oh, I know that he’s a convicted sex offender, has a drug habit and has an IQ so low that he locked himself out of his motorcycle…but he’s a Republican.” Son-of-a …
  91. Hearing songs that I like on a TV commercial. What nimrod let Target get their hands on The Beatles’ catalog? And The Who!?! The Who!?! On TV commercials!?! Lawdy Lawd, please take me now!
  92. People who talk really, really softly. “Mew, mew mew mew.” WHAT?!? Speak UP will, ya!? “Ah, subba subba mew mew…” COME ON! Use sign language if you don’t want to talk, and stop looking at your feet. You’re making me nervous.
  93. The newspaper “funnies.” How in Hell’s creation are “Cathy” and “Ziggy” around at all. I mean, who’s making the call on this garbage?
  94. Marketing to kids. Not only does this torque me off because children don’t understand the evil marketing forces that are stacked against them, but it pisses me off that I have to talk the kids down from wanting to buy something that they don’t need. This is especially bad if you look at the type of food that is marketed to children. This probably warrants its own topic.
  95. “Shiny Happy People” by R.E.M. Shiny crappy people is more like it. This has to be on the list of songs that the U.S. military plays at Guantanamo to extract information from terrorists.
  96. Bathroom graffiti. Why would someone write “Balls” or “Raymond has a vagina” on a stall door? Worse yet are the people that write their responses below the original junk, “So does your mama.” I don’t get it…unless they are mute…and don’t have email. Then it’s a pretty good form of communication, I guess.
  97. When people say “ATM Machine” or “PIN Number.” Why bother shortening the phrase if you are just going to lengthen it by being redundant? Do you say “ASAP Possible”? Sounds silly, right? I’m not convinced people know what the letters stand for to begin with. Also, “ATM” is not an acronym. It’s an abbreviation. “PIN” is an acronym.
  98. People who prematurely convict others based on media reports. What happened to the right of a jury trial? Innocent until proven guilty? No? “I know she did it” or “He got away with it.” Unless you were at the trial or witnessed the event all you know is what Rupert Murdoch tells you, so knock it off.
  99. When you get out of the shower and you realize that you forgot to rinse the soap out of your armpits. Or worse yet, when you just get in the shower and you realize that you need to drop the duce. No sir, I don’t like it.
  100. Me. I’m such an ar*ehole…


Karen Ann said...

This was absolutely the funniest list I have ever read. You had me crying in a couple of spots I was laughing so hard. The rhythm and punch of intelligent humor, expertly crafted. I would love to read the first list you mentioned as well. Can you link me?
Oh, and by the way, I found this posting and list while searching the internet news on Dan Fogelberg, as I do every weeekend at some point.
I hope you are laughing until you cry over that.

aektare said...

your hilarious man. where do you get you're ideas?!

going back a few a dentist - i prefer oralist or dôntíste- i have to take exception to your claims on the dangers of fluoride. here's the link to a non-ADA sponsored (no lobby $$), Ralph Nader-backed research paper that puts all your concerns to bed:

Dan said... got me...My mouth was open on that one...I think that link would have made my shit-list if I had known about it sooner. Very, VERY annoying. If anyone reads this, PLEASE DO NOT FOLLOW THE LINK IN AEKTARE'S COMMENT! That is unless you like being pissed off. Then by all means go ahead. Must be mouth doctor humor.

Anonymous said...

I'd just like to say that I saw you pull your balls out and punch a guy in the face (in that order) at La Salsa in DeKalb.

You said to me and my friend "Watch this. I'm gonna pull out my sack and punch that guy in face."

Which you promptly did. It was one of the highlights of my college years.

KnitHat said...

Sorry. Shouldn't have used the Anonymous setting...

I was there when you pulled out your sack and punched some jock in the face at La Salsa.


Dan said...

Ah, the fond memories of college in DeKalb...

Dan said...

This is an email that I got from a friend the other day. I nearly shot coffee out of my nose when I read it, so I thought that I would share:

"What up Dude,

How’s things? Just thought I would say hi. Man what a drive to work this morning. I was driving erraticly (although I’m not a bad driver) when all of a sudden I had to swerve into the oncoming lane in order to avoid a ciclist as I was busy throwing 2.6 grams of cigarette butts out the window. It was kind of crazy because I was blasting “500 miles” on the radio while horking down a big bowl of popcorn. My car is so cluttered with knickknacks that I couldn’t even find the mouthwash to help my chronic halitoses. Oh I just saw a hottie, man I‘d love to clutter her knickknacks… I digres. Anyway, at least my little travel TV was telling me how become a reformed chocaholic. Man I can’t wait until lunchtime. Me and my wife are going to Tim’s Thai. That place has the best Thai food you’ll ever eat. I’ll have to go the ATM machine first thought. Dammit I hope Lorna knows our PIN number. Oh wait I gotta go, I have a call coming in on my permanantly affixed blue-tooth (compound word, see Webster’s 9th college edition).

Keep it real brothir, ite. Dave"

TJ said...

Somehow I missed this list when it was published. Good work! Now it makes me want to make a list of song that I hate. Hmmm...

Sharon Miracle said...

Hilarious list. If we both weren't already married, I'd marry you, based solely on what you said about clutter. I think I could forgive what you said about Dan Fogelberg and the French, but only after I sprinkled some legos on the floor next to your side of the bed while you were sleeping.

Sharon Miracle said...

Hilarious. If we weren't both married, I'm marry you based solely on what you said about clutter. I might be able to forgive what you said about Dan Fogelberg and the French, but only if I could sprinkle some legos next to your side of the bed while you were sleeping.