Sunday, March 15, 2009

Roast Your Family

I will be making the long trek home next week with the family so I thought it appropriate to post a speech that I put together for a birthday party that my parents had a couple of years ago. They said they wanted to do a roast, and when I think "roast" I immediately think of the greatest team of comedians and put-down artists that have ever been assembled - the brilliant men and women of "The Dean Martin Roast" series. It is impossible for me to watch any of these roasts without nearly splitting a seam in laughter. I stumbled upon my attempt the other day as I was mining through old documents on my computer, so I thought that I would share. Here goes:

"What can you say about two people who are admired, revered, and loved by everyone? I can start by saying they’re not the people we’re honoring tonight. First of all I’d like to thank everybody for making it. I know some of us had to travel pretty far to get here, both friends and family. As for all your friends, they said you were out of this world. Oh, wait, I'm sorry - I meant "wished."

We’re here to celebrate both of your birthdays and remember younger times, which is getting to be pretty difficult. After all, when you were young the Dead Sea was just sick. My dad’s first job was as a bus boy at the Last Supper. And I never understood why my mom failed American History since there was so little of it when she was at school. Well, they say what you don't know won't hurt you. That makes her pretty much invulnerable. That twinkle in her eyes is actually the sun shining between her ears. There's a reason my mom is like this. She was deprived of a lot of things in her childhood. I believe oxygen tops the list.

I guess you couldn’t have been too smart if you married this guy. He has the face of a Saint... Bernard. His teeth are like stars. They come out at night. One good thing about your looks. I had the hiccups when I came up here and now they’re gone. When he was little he couldn’t play in the sandbox, because the neighborhood cats would keep trying to cover him up. His mom had to stop dropping him off at school because she kept getting tickets for littering.

His mom, she was no angel, either. When he was a kid, Grandma wanted to hire someone to take care of him, but the mafia was asking for too much money...And Grandpa, he’s so short you can see his feet on his driver’s license photo. But he's sensitive about his height, so don't tease him about it...or he'll punch you in the knee.

My mom comes from a tightly knit family, too. Her parents were very close. In fact, they were first cousins. Her parents loved her right from the start, though. When she was just one day old, her mother said, "What a treasure." And her father said, "Yeah, let's bury it."

Don’t worry too much about getting old, guys. You’ve got four great kids that are here to take care of you. Personally, I think Brandon will be a big help. There's a guy who always speaks his mind...which explains the long silences. He’s always healthy. He's never had a head cold in his life...I think it’s because germs can't live in a vacuum. He has a very calming influence, too. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. He does drink a little bit, though. Last time he donated blood to the Red Cross, they used it to sterilize the instruments. And my sisters...well they’re bigger and meaner than me, and there are two of them so I’ll just move on. I’m no prize either. My nose is so big kids are always trying to feed it peanuts. I have a really low opinion of others, too. I consider them equals. On second thought, maybe you guys should start to worry a little bit.

I'll never forget the childhood memories I have with my parents, but I'm hoping the therapy will eventually work. All that I am, I owe to you guys. Luckily, I know a good lawyer.

In closing, I'd like to leave you with one thought... but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it. I hope you guys have a good birthday, and thanks again to all of your friends that made it. After all, any friend of obviously a poor judge of character. All seriousness aside, I think you're really special. And I mean that in the Olympic way."

Well, what do you think? A worthy attempt? If you have any favorite put-downs you'd like to share, feel free to post a comment.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

very funny stuff daniel even the second time around! all i can say dan is - your like a tampon, your not #1 but your right up there!!!! unca ted