Thursday, December 18, 2008

12 Days of Shite Movies

Since this is the heart of the Holiday season, and we’re all just about sick to death of being bombarded with grotesque caricatures of holiday cheer, I thought I’d help out a bit and put together a quick list of holiday movies to avoid. These are the worst kind of holiday drivel…the sort of movies that would never have been made if anyone had read the script before they started filming. It may seem strange that a fan of bad movies such as myself could complain about horrible movies, but these movies are so kitschy that everyone involved in their production should be hauled off to a maximum security quarry in the middle of Appalachia where they can bust rocks until they have learned their lessons. So here is my list of 12 holiday films that are so bad that your time would be better spent counting your hair or building a bust of Abe Lincoln out of used toothpicks. Don’t say I didn’t warn you:

  1. Miracle on 34th Street – This is the 90’s remake. Why the people involved in this travesty decided to attempt to remake one of the best Christmas movies of all time is beyond be. And casting David Attenburough’s brother as Santy is just begging for it.
  1. Santa with Muscles – Who was the creative genius that came up with that title? Put a lot of thought into it, I see. About as much thought as the rest of the writing staff. Holy Baby Jesus is this one a stinker.
  1. How The Grinch Stole Christmas – The awful Jim Carey and Ron Howard remake. I must confess that I have never seen this movie. I simply refuse to watch any of the movies the are profiting from Dr. Seuss’ death. Makes me want to puke in my mouth a little bit.
  1. Jingle All the Way – Two words: Sinbad and Schwarzenegger. Enough said.
  1. Eight Crazy Nights – This is an animated disaster that you can see coming from the other side of the Menorah. You’d have to be a complete mashugana to sit through this one.
  1. Frosty the Snowman – The second one with John Goodman as the voice of Frosty. Why does there need to be a sequel? And why can’t they get it right? Good grief, this movie shouldn’t have even been made much less watched.
  1. Any movie starring Tim Allen. Who made The Tool Man the ambassador of all that is horrible in the Christmas season anyway? Well, I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. At least I know what movies to avoid in the future.
  1. A Very Brady Christmas – I think that speaks for itself.
  1. Jack Frost – The idiotic Michael Keaton movie where Batman gets turned into a snowman so he can go sledding with his son. If you happen across this one on TV accidentally, BE CAREFUL! You will be unable to look away from the gaping chasm of awfulness that will draw you into the depths of Christmas movie Hell. This is not to be confused with the commendable horror movie of the same name.
  1. Fred Claus – This one belongs in on the Island of Lost Toys with the Charlie-in-the-box. Oh my holy god is this movie lousy.
  1. The Home Alone Series…every one of them. I suppose I should give Macaulay Culkin some slack since his parents sold him to Michael Jackson for crack money, but I don’t have to like his movies. I’ll pass.
  1. How The Grinch Stole Christmas – again, the Jim Carey version. I hate the idea of this one so much that I put it on my list twice. If you don’t like it, then go scratch. It’s my list. Leave the good Dr. alone.

So there you have it, 12 horrible nights of holiday movie watching. Watch them at your own risk, and be sure there are no deadly weapons around or you are likely to go on a rampage from a overload of Christmas cheer. Speaking of Christmas rampages, I also put together a short list of the best holiday horror movie classics for the B-movie fans in the audience. These movies are true gems, must-sees for the aficionado (in no particular order): Two Front Teeth; Marcus; Silent Night, Deadly Night; Santa’s Slay; Santa Claws; Black Christmas; and Gremlins.

And let's not forget other genres of film. There are dozens of other cinematic Christmas-related gems that I haven't touched on yet, including: Here Cumz Santa; The Tits that Saved Christmas; A Christmas Orgy; Spreading Joy; Miracle on 69th Street; and (my personal favorite) All I Want for Christmas is a Gangbang. Talk about the Naughty List! Seriously, people...

And just so you don’t think I hate all holiday movies, here are some of my absolute favorite classic movies that no Christmas should be without: A Charlie Brown Christmas (brilliant non-commercial message); How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966 original); A Christmas Story; and A Christmas Carol (the Mr. Magoo version, of course).

So which movies make your naughty and nice lists?

Have a Great Holiday Season, Everybody!


TJ said...

The thing about the holiday season the makes me so queasy- besides the whole savior thing- is every clever marketing asshole who thinks it's neato to rewrite a christmas song with their own product advert as the lyrics. Oh for f*ck's sake. What's worse is that they only use 3 or 4 of the most rehashed songs. *shudder*

By the way, I can't believe you left "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" off the list.

Dan said...

I agree wholeheartedly. As for "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians", I actually like that movie. You know what you're in for going into it, and it doesn't try to be anything other that what the title leads you to believe it's going to be. Plus, I saw it on MST3K about 100 years ago, and they had me rolling.