License and Registration, Please

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Why is it that so many people suck at driving? I mean, I can’t drive three blocks without someone pissing me off. Is it the decision-making? Too much to process for the average T.V. addled brain? Is it that some people just can’t operate heavy machinery? I think it’s that bad drivers are effing morons, but that’s just my opinion. Over 40k people are killed and hundreds of thousands more are injured every year in vehicular accidents. What gives? A vehicle is one of the largest investments that an individual will have in their lifetime, and it’s the single most dangerous activity that most people do every day. Yet people don’t take any time at all learning how to operate or maintain their vehicles properly. They just dump in their cash and wiz away without putting any thought into the consequences of their actions, and the mandatory training to get a license to operate these machines consists of cramming 30 hormone-flooded teens into a room with a fat, middle-aged gym teacher to watch some videos. Somehow this makes sense to someone?

In the interest of public service, I have compiled a list of what I consider to be the worst driving habits for drivers of all shapes and sizes. You will notice that my list has some omissions from what one might classically consider bad driving practice. You won’t see things like passing on the shoulder or drunk driving on the list. I don’t care if you are speeding. I think speed limits are just guidelines anyhow. Drive as fast as you want as long as you are under control and the hood doesn’t fly off of your car. Go ahead and coast through stop signs. I don’t care if you tailgate me either, because I’m probably driving as fast as I can anyway. Besides, I never look in my rear view mirror. Hell, get as close as you want. If you need to take a break, feel free to throw a tow rope over my hitch for all I care. Go ahead and use the cell phone, wash your hair, clip your toenails or whatever else you want to do while you’re driving as long as you can pay attention to thirty things at once. These things didn’t make the list because at least the people doing these things are being aggressive. They’ve got places to be goddamnit! And I don’t give a shit if they crash as long as they only kill themselves, and the fiery wreck doesn’t affect traffic in the direction I’m going. All of the bad habits that did make the list directly affect other people either physically or psychologically on the road, and are the primary reason that I don’t carry a handgun.

So here’s Daniel P. Daniel’s list of the 24 worst driving offenses. “Why not 25”, you ask? Well, why not 27 or 62? Don’t push your sick “everything has to be divisible by five” fetish on me, Weirdass. Anyway, I couldn’t think of another one that was worthy of the list fast enough to make the post. If you can avoid performing any of these maneuvers while driving, then you are doing you part to make the world a happy place, and you are extending my life because I won’t have a frigging aneurysm in my brain trying to figure out what the Hell you are thinking. Enjoy!

1. Misuse of the merge lane. It’s called a MERGE lane, Jaggoff! Millions of dollars were spent on creating a mile-long lane so that you could increase your speed to match the speed of the oncoming traffic and merge easily into traffic. It’s not there for you to pull into and park while looking confused and spinning your head around like Linda Blair in The Exorcist. Step on the gas, and quit getting pissed that I’m honking. I’m not going away. You’re blocking the lane.
2. Turn signals that aren’t signaling anything. Are you deaf? I can hear the thing ticking, and I’m three cars back. Turn the damn thing off. When I feel a sense of civic duty, I’ll turn mine on as well in order to attempt to show Mrs. Oblivious that she’s forgotten her signal. I usually just end up getting more pissed off because it turns out she’s blind as well.
3. Driving slowly in the passing lane. The sign says “Slower Traffic Keep Right.” Notice the word slower. They say, “I’m not driving slow.” No you’re driving slower…just like your reading comprehension, apparently. This is why widening the roads will never work. For every lane created, it just takes one of these stubborn simpletons to kill billions of dollars of highway improvements.
4. People who don’t know where the hell they are going. I think people should have to file a flight plan before they can start their cars. I’m convinced that 50% of cars in traffic are just arseholes that don’t know how to get to the nearest big box store. “Is this the street? It’s a right here…NO! It’s left!” Jesus! Do us all a favor and drive into the nearest lake…if you can find it.
5. People who turn at about .0000001 miles per hour. Are you transporting the Mona Lisa? Come on! Grandma’s head isn’t going to fall off if you take a curve at normal speed. Move it!
6. People that drive well below the speed limit. You see them every day. They drive so slow they can’t even keep going in a straight line. It looks like they are playing Pong in between the lines. Hey, sober up, Hippie. And if you aren’t stoned then pull over and take a nap.
7. Confusion in a parking lot. What makes people’s brains shut off in a parking lot? Hey, folks, whenever you are in your vehicle normal traffic rules still apply. It’s a strange concept, I know.
8. Putting on the turn signal as you turn. The idea of a turn signal is that you indicate your intentions before you turn. If you have to hold the signal lever up to keep it on, then you’ve turned it on too late, Jackass. Why waste the effort?
9. Shitty parking. I don’t know how you managed to get out of your car, but normal people can’t squeeze through three inches of open door. Center it up, Man. If you don’t then quit bitching when your door gets caved in as I make an honest attempt to enter my vehicle. And you asses that take up more than one spot are really just asking for it. I like firing heat-seeking shopping carts at these cars a dozen at a time…especially Hummers.
10. Driving in the mountains. Alright, this one can be a topic all on its own. Here is Daniel P. Daniel’s two-step program that might help you out if you notice 50 or so cars backing up behind you in the mountains. First, pull over to the side of the road and let the good drivers trapped behind you pass at a normal rate of speed. Second, kill yourself. That should pretty much clear it up.
11. Dicking around at the light. Hey, a stop light is not the time to pluck your eyebrows, change your clothes, finish a term paper, search for change in the back seat, or beat your kids. If the light turns green while you’re paying the hobo to wash your windshield, you’re going to get such a honking…
12. Right turning into a two lane in front of me when I have the right of way to turn left. I have a green arrow, Hogan-Smoker! If I was still in college I would have had no problem at all t-boning your ass into the curb. ‘Course my car only cost $250 back then.
13. Roundabout confusion. How is this even a problem? Yield to traffic to your left, just like the sign says. The sign doesn’t say, “Park here, act confused and crash into traffic in the circle.” Maybe I’m just reading it wrong.
14. Passing for no reason. I understand that you’re in a hurry to get home so that you don’t miss “One Life to Live,” but, in case you haven’t noticed, there are about a brazillion cars ahead of us. Passing me isn’t going to save you any time at all. If you are really in a hurry then quit being such a wuss and start driving on the median or the breakdown lane, Coward.
15. People that drive all the way to the merge point in a construction zone. I’m not sure who is the bigger offender in this situation. Is it the people that wiz by and try to merge in at the last possible second? Or is it the cork-soakers that let them merge in? Probably, they should both be euthanized.
16. Gapers. There should be no such thing as a “Gapers’ Delay.” I don’t mind that you want to see some genuine carnage, but quit fekking up traffic. Pull over, get out of your car, grab a stick and start poking around at the guts on the road. Maybe take some pictures, make an oil painting or have a barbeque at the accident scene. Whatever passes for entertainment, but get the f*ck out of the way, Gaper!
17. People that freak out in weather. “Wait a minute, Blanche…You’re not gonna believe me when I tell you this, but...something…is falling…out of the sky! Slam on the brakes NOW! Try swerving! That didn’t work?!? We’re doomed!” Again, this can be cleared up if you follow my advice for mountain drivers in #10 above.
18. People who swing out into the other lane to make a turn. I’m not sure how big you think your car is, but if you have that much of a problem judging sizes then I feel sorry for your spouse.
19. People that don’t know how to drive around bicyclists. Either they are afraid to pass them or they swing out in the other lane to avoid them. What is going on, people?!? There is plenty of room to share the road, and if there isn’t then just run them down. I’m pretty sure it’s legal in most states.
20. Four-way stop fools. Here’s my favorite silent conversation that occurs at stop signs millions of times a day: “Go ahead.” “No, you go.” “It’s your turn.” “You go.” “You.” “You.” “No, you.” “I insist.” “Fine I’ll go.” “Wait! I’m going now.” HOLY HELL! Let’s get our crap in a pile here! Quit being a sycophant and just go when it’s your turn, arsehole.
21. People that don’t understand who a honk is directed at. If you are three cars back at a light and you hear a honk coming from behind you, it’s a safe bet that the honk wasn’t directed at you unless you are picking your nose or your car is on fire. So quit waving your hands and looking in the rear-view mirror. Instead, you should pass the honk along to the next guy in front of you until the moron at the light wakes the eff up.
22. Left turn lollygaggers. These are the people that signal properly then fail to get over into the turn lane. Is there a reason they can’t get their whole vehicle into the turn lane? If they can’t see the lines then I have serious doubts about their ability to navigate a left turn. It’s everything I can do to stop from cramming their bumper into the passenger seat.
23. People that slow down when they see a road-side digital speedometer. Are you surprised by your speed? Here’s a tip: there is a small, portable speedometer embedded in your dashboard. I know it’s weird. Check it out.
24. Siren confusion. O.K. You’re supposed to pull to the side of the road when you hear a siren. You are not supposed to slam on your breaks in the left hand lane and freeze up like a retard at a spelling bee. Do you think the fire truck is going to be able to drive over the top of your car? Try thinking critically for once. Well, unless you’re a police officer, then I understand that you have that handicap.

And that’s it. Now get out there, soldiers, secure in the knowledge that you are either fekking up everyone’s life or that you are the king of the road. And if you hear a horn coming from behind you, have a look in your mirror. It might just be me...